The First Mother's Day Without Your Mom: What to Expect and How to Get Through It
Mother’s Day can be difficult for a myriad of reasons. There aren't many other holidays when companies send you an email in advance, allowing you to opt out of Mother’s Day-themed marketing. That really says something about what a complicated day it is for so many. We know Mother’s Day is always the second Sunday in May (at least in the United States, where I live), but it can still feel like an utter ambush when it arrives.
I’ll be the last person to tell you that there’s one right way to feel about or handle Mother’s Day. It’s going to be unique for you, and may vary from year to year. But, in this post, we are going to specifically focus on the first Mother’s Day after losing your mom (though much of it will be applicable no matter how long it’s been), and what you can expect, and ways to get through it. But it should be said that, as with all things grief, your experience may vary.
Why Mother’s Day Feels Different Than Other Days
Mother’s Day can prove to be inescapable in a way other days aren’t. Even the emails asking if you want to opt out of Mother’s Day promotions are reminding you of the day. Add to that in-person shopping displays, social media posts, and casual questions from your hair stylist about what your Mother’s Day plans are, and it’s really hard to ignore the day completely, even if you want to.
Your first Mother’s Day without your mom is not just the one day. It’s the first of every Mother’s Day without her, and that can feel daunting.
Holidays like Mother’s Day can stir up emotions that you thought were resolved. Your grief can feel raw all over again, and that can feel pretty shocking.
Just keep in mind, you’ve never done this before. So, if you are having a tough time and feeling blindsided by the intensity of emotion you’re experiencing, even if a lot of time has passed, it doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you. It just means that grief is hard, and it’s normal for it to come roaring back some days.
Feelings You Might Not Have Expected
We often think of grief as sadness, when in fact, it can be a whole array of sometimes conflicting emotions. Here are a few that might surprise you when they surface:
Anger You might feel angry at the holiday itself, that your mom is not here, that the world carries on despite your grief. You may also be holding anger about the way she died, unresolved communication, or things from your past you didn’t have a chance to address.
Envy You might find yourself feeling envious that other people have their mothers to celebrate with, or that other people have seemingly uncomplicated feelings about the holiday.
Longing You may find yourself longing for the simple, ordinary things or moments that we tend to take for granted. Things like hearing her voice, seeing her handwriting on an envelope, or being able to send her a text about your day.
Numbness We tend to think of grief as being intense and sometimes volatile, but it also can show up as numbness or just a really flat feeling, and that can be disorienting, too, when you know you care, but you aren’t feeling much.
Relief This is perhaps not a universal feeling, but it can come up particularly following a long illness, dementia, or having a difficult or estranged relationship with your mom. This can be tough because often feelings of guilt or shame follow the thought that we shouldn’t be feeling relief.
What The People Around You Might Get Wrong (even if they don’t mean to)
They don’t acknowledge the day at all. They may not realize the significance of the day to you, or they may not know what to say and default to saying nothing at all. Sometimes people don’t acknowledge loss because they don’t want to remind you of it, not realizing that there’s never a day you’re not thinking about it. No matter the reason, when days like this go unacknowledged, it can feel like you don’t matter, your grief doesn’t matter, or your mom didn’t matter, and all of that can really hurt.
In trying to help, they say the wrong thing. “At least she’s not suffering anymore.” “She’s with you in spirit.” “At least you had her as long as you did.” “Be grateful you had a good relationship, lots of people don’t,” etc. Ugh.
They expect you to show up and be fine because it’s a family gathering. If you’re a mom or you’re invited to celebrate your mother-in-law or someone else’s mom, people may expect that you are able to compartmentalize the day, but often, that’s not possible.
It’s not rude to tell people what you need from them or from the day. Everyone is different, and so they may not know what would be the best way to support you through the day. Give yourself permission to do Mother’s Day the way that feels best to you, even if that means scaling down or doing your best to ignore the day altogether.
Practical Ways to Get Through The Day
There is no one right way to grieve on Mother’s Day, or any other day for that matter. But here are a few ideas for getting through the day. You can decide which, if any, feel right for you.
Make a plan ahead of time. You know the day is coming, so take some time to figure out how you would like to spend it, then share that with your loved ones. Remember, they can’t read your mind, and may not instinctively know how you’d like to spend the day. Would you like to stay in bed, watch movies, and ignore the day? Would a visit to the cemetery or a place that your mom loved help you feel close to her? Would you like to attend church with your family, or would that feel awful? Would you like to spend the day surrounded by people, or would you prefer some solitude? Would you like to honor your mom’s memory with service or by creating art? There’s no wrong answer here. But having a plan ahead of time means you won’t be smacked in the face by the holiday and not know what to do, or be subject to other people’s plans for you.
Give yourself an exit strategy from gatherings. If you’ve decided (whether by want or necessity) to have a family gathering on Mother’s Day, creating an exit strategy gives you the peace of mind that if it becomes too much for you, you can leave. Planning ahead means you won’t have to scramble at the last minute or feel stuck in an overwhelming situation.
If it feels right to you, create a small ritual to honor or remember her. This could be as simple or complex as you’d like it to be. It could involve journaling, writing a letter to update her on your life, looking at photos, listening to favorite music, or going to a favorite place. It could be bringing flowers to her gravesite or making a charitable donation in her name. The ways you can do this are endless and can be very personal to you and your relationship with your mom.
If you’re feeling sensitive, it could be a good day to limit or ignore social media altogether. The onslaught of posts about other people’s moms and Mother’s Day celebrations could be painful to witness.
Spend the day however you need to, and know that it’s okay to change your mind. Even if you make a plan earlier in the week, by Sunday your emotional state or energy levels may be different, or what felt right on Monday may not anymore. That’s okay.
Reach out to someone who knew your mom. This could, of course, be family. But it could also be a close friend of hers or yours. Sharing your feelings with someone who knew her too can feel extra validating.
A Note if This Isn’t Your First, But It Still Hurts…
Grief does not have a timetable. We often focus so much on the first year and the set of firsts after loss. But that doesn’t mean that the coming years don’t hurt, too. Mother’s Day can bring a wave of grief years, and even decades, after you’ve lost your mom. If you’ve been at this for a while, and the day is still painful and hard to face, just know this is normal. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.
Whether this is your first Mother’s Day without your mom or your 50th, just getting through the day is enough. You don’t need to pressure yourself to make it meaningful or transformative if that’s not where you are right now. Let this holiday meet you where you are. You are under no obligation to rise to anyone else’s expectations, whether they’re commercial or from others in your life. You will get through this day, and it will be enough.
If you feel like you’d like dedicated support to work through the loss of your mom (or any other loss, for that matter) in my 7-week program, set up a free consultation call with me HERE. I’d love to talk with you.
