It feels like the holiday season starts earlier and earlier every year. I think I got promo emails about Christmas decorations in May this year. May! But by now, the holidays are everywhere, and it’s almost impossible to escape reminders of the impending season. If you’ve been dreading the holidays this year because you’re grieving, you’re not alone. It’s a hugely taxing and emotional season anyway, but when you tack on the exhaustion of grieving, anticipating the holidays can be so overwhelming and filled with dread that you don’t know how you’re going to make it through the next few months.
Dread can often be worse than the thing itself. This is a really common grief experience, where we dread something that is upcoming like an anniversary of someone’s death, a special day like a birthday or wedding anniversary, or an entire holiday season. If this is where you find yourself, know that you’re not alone. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not a scrooge. It’s just that grief and the holidays have a deeply emotional and difficult relationship.
So while it makes perfect sense that you might be dreading the season, I’m going to give you ideas on how to figure out exactly what you’re most apprehensive about, and some solutions to carry yourself through.
Why “The Holidays” can feel so daunting
When we say “The Holidays” it encompasses so many things. Different distinct holidays, foods, family, friends, gatherings, events, music, gifts, decorations, obligations, traditions, memories, expectations, and more. And when we think of all of that in one big bundle, it can feel really overwhelming. But the dread we feel usually tends to come from one or two aspects of the holidays, not everything about the season. Though sometimes this dread is so powerful that it can feel like it includes absolutely all of it.
When you can’t name exactly what you are worried about, your mind braces for all of it. Being able to name what you are specifically dreading, not only gives you a strategy for dealing with that particular part of the holiday season, it frees you from the general sense of dread and opens up the possibility of enjoying part of the season, even if you’re grieving. And just a reminder, grief and joy can coexist, and if you find some joy in the holiday season, hold onto it.
Common things grieving people dread during the holiday season
While no list will ever be comprehensive for every fear or apprehension of the season, here is a list of some common things grieving people dread about the holidays. Maybe you’ll see yourself in this list.
This may be the most obvious one, but missing the person you’ve lost during the holidays. There can be lots of reminders of this, like the chair they used to sit in at holiday dinners, or a major role they played in the holiday. There are many things about the holidays that can be a tangible reminder that they are no longer here.
Another common fear is questions from other people that you may not have the answers to. The holidays provide many opportunities to gather with people we may only see once a year. They may find it impossible not to ask questions like, “How are you really doing?” or “Have you started dating again?” etc.
The holidays can be full of memories and grief triggers, so a big concern can be the fear of breaking down emotionally in front of people. You may not wish to be the center of attention; you might feel judged by others if showing emotion isn’t commonly done in your family or friend group; you might fear being accused of being dramatic or trying to make the holiday all about you and your grief; or you don’t want to make other people uncomfortable.
Sometimes people can dread the tension that comes when you’re grieving, but everyone is ignoring it, acting normal, or pretending nothing happened. This often happens because other people are uncomfortable with grief, and they don’t want to remind you of your loss (as though you could forget!) and make you sad, so they just don’t say anything at all. They just don’t realize that not acknowledging your loss can be extremely painful.
We can dread not being able to feel joy when we want to, or when we are expected to by other people. We can also dread the guilt that could come if we do feel joy.
Dreading family dynamics and tension is also common. Maybe the person you lost was a good buffer for you for that. Maybe there’s new tension in the family after a loss related to caregiving responsibilities, financial issues, or memorial ideas. Maybe someone in your circle disagrees with how you’ve been handling your grief. Families are complicated, and there are many ways this kind of tension can manifest itself.
For people grieving non-death losses like divorce, estrangement, or job loss, many of these ideas above can apply. It’s common in these situations to be dreading judgment, intrusive questions, and people wanting to fix it for us.
People who are grieving a pet can also dread the holidays in the absence of their routines and special things they used to do with their pet during the holiday season. Even if it’s as simple as curling up together with a blanket on the couch near the Christmas tree.
Naming it helps
Take some time to think about your personal situation this holiday season. This might be a good time to pull out a piece of paper or a notebook and do a brain dump, just writing down everything that comes to mind when you think about dreading the holidays. You’ll find some patterns, and then you can refine them into particular dreads. But try to be as specific as you can. “Dreading extended family interactions” is helpful to know about yourself, but “dreading Aunt Marion asking me about my financial situation at Thanksgiving dinner” hits it right on the head. Often there’s more than one thing that fills us with holiday dread, so take the time to be thorough.
If a brain dump on paper feels to messy, you can try something more structured like this:
The part of the holidays I’m dreading most is ___________.
And then ask yourself “why?” or “what about that is dreadful?” Ask over and over again until you can refine it.
Then ask yourself, “If that happens, what will I need?”
Let’s look at this in practice using my example from above.
The part of the holidays I’m dreading most is Thanksgiving dinner.
What about that is dreadful? Extended family being there.
What about that is dreadful? Most of them are fine, but I’m dreading talking to Aunt Marion.
Why? Aunt Marion is snoopy and always asks intrusive questions, especially about finances, and I don’t want to talk about it with her.
If that happens, what will I need? I will need to be brave enough to discreetly ask the host not to be seated by her.
If that doesn’t work, what will you need? I will need to set a firm boundary that my finances are not her concern.
If that is difficult, what will you need? I will need to take a quick solo walk around the block to get a little breathing room and recover.
Obviously, you will tailor this to your own personal situation and needs. But trying to name what you are dreading in as specific terms as possible, will be helpful in removing dread from the entirety of the season, and to help you find solutions or at least be prepared for the things you really are dreading.
Make a small plan for the moment
Using the above exercise, you can make a plan ahead of time of what you will do or say in the moment. If you already know Aunt Marion will ask you about your finances, you can come up with an idea of what you want to say to her when she does, and then practice it so it’s a natural response and you’re not caught off-guard.
You can also plan in small ways to support yourself during the anticipated stressful times, like planning on taking a walk to reset, having a supportive friend to text who knows you are in the deep dread, planning ahead on responses to anticipated questions, or driving yourself to events so you always have an escape.
It’s also helpful not to keep your dread to yourself. Find someone you can talk about your feelings with. Sometimes just letting it all out can really help lift some of the dread.
And here’s a reminder and a permission slip: it’s okay to skip things altogether that will not bring you joy this holiday. If taking the one dreaded thing off your plate completely opens you up to the possibility of enjoying parts of the holidays more fully, then please do that. It doesn’t mean it has to be this way every year forevermore.
If you find yourself overwhelmed with grief and/or dread this holiday season, having a grief specialist in your corner for 1-on-1 support can make a huge difference. You can set up a free consultation call with me HERE.
If you’d like a free copy of my Holiday Support Guide, please enter your information below, and we’ll send it right over to you.
