When People Say The Wrong Thing After Your Loss
How to respond without smiling and nodding or biting someone’s head off.
So you’ve just experienced a heart-wrenching, devastating loss when someone looks at you with soft, kind eyes, squeezes your arm, and says in a wise and all-knowing tone, “You know, everything happens for a reason.”
And you feel the bottom drop out of your stomach. Because what, pray tell, is the reason? And even if there were a reason, would it make you feel better? Could that reason make up for all of this? Or maybe it’s another phrase like “time heals all wounds,” or “they’re in a better place,” or anything starting with “at least…”
In this post, we’ll look at why people say these things, why these seemingly benign phrases can hit so hard, and what you can say in response.
Why do people say things like this?
People try to comfort us with platitudes like this for a few reasons. First, most of us have heard these things before and never actually taken the time to think about what they mean. Most of them sound kind and comforting, and they are easy to just repeat without much thought. Second, most of the time these phrases really do come from a place of love. But it’s a place of love plus helplessness. Grief is something people are uncomfortable with. People want to fix it for us, but they know they can’t. So instead, they try to point out a bright side or offer perspective that they are hoping will help cheer us up, when that is not at all what we need.
Why the platitudes hit so hard
These overused grief comfort phrases don’t seem particularly mean-spirited, so why do they hit us so hard? Most of these phrases do one or more of the following:
They minimize our loss. They try to provide perspective that it could always be worse. “At least he didn’t suffer,” because suffering would be worse than what happened.
They attempt to rush us through our grief. If we just realized this one simple truth, that everything happens for a reason, then we wouldn’t have to be sad anymore. Hurry up and feel better, for goodness sake.
They try to reframe our loss. If “they’re in a better place,” then we don’t need to be sad they’re not here. They’re not truly gone, but in a different, better place.
It’s understandable that these kinds of platitudes might not be comforting when you’re grieving. You’re not overreacting or being too sensitive if these kinds of phrases are irritating or even downright hurtful to you. Grieving is hard and sometimes lonely. It adds to the pain when we feel unseen or dismissed.
Permission slip from your grief specialist
It can be really hard to know how to react when someone says something like this to you. But before we get into specific responses you can practice, here are a few things that I’m giving you permission for, as your grief specialist.
You don’t have to try and educate everyone on why certain things should or shouldn’t be said to someone in your position.
You don’t have to just nod and agree with them.
You don’t have to be gracious about it.
A few ways you can respond
These are not rules, just a few ideas for different scenarios. These might vary depending on the person you’re dealing with and your energy that day.
Gently close the topic of conversation by saying, “Thank you. I know you mean well.” This works well for people you don’t know well or on days when your bandwidth for these kinds of conversations is low.
Be honest, but redirect the conversation. This could look like, “I’m not sure everything does happen for a reason, but I appreciate you taking the time to reach out.” This helps when you want to be truthful but don’t want to start a conflict.
If you’re looking to be more direct, say something like, “I’d rather not hear things like that,” or “I’m surprised you feel comfortable saying that to me.” This is definitely less diplomatic, but it lets someone know in a polite but firm way that they’ve overstepped in what they’ve said to you.
If you just can’t deal with the conversation and need an exit, you can say, “Excuse me for a moment, please,” and then leave the conversation.
Don’t hold it in forever
After something like this happens, find someone to vent or talk about it with. This could be a trusted friend, family member, therapist, or grief specialist. If you don’t feel like talking about it, you could also journal about what you wish you had said, why it bothered you, or what you might say in the future. Remember, their unhelpful comments say more about their discomfort with difficult emotions than about your grief.
Your grief doesn’t need to be neat and tidy in order to make other people more comfortable. You can grieve the way you need to, protect your heart, and not burn bridges with people trying to love and support you, even if imperfectly.
If you’d like a free guide on supporting people who are grieving to share with your family and friends, download my guide, Beyond the Casserole: How to Show Up When Someone Is Grieving, right HERE.
And if you’re looking for a grief specialist who can help you navigate all of this, I’d love to talk with you. Set up a free consultation HERE.
