Grief and Loneliness: Breaking the Painful Cycle of Isolation
Grief can feel like the loneliest thing we’ve ever experienced — even if we are surrounded by people who care about us. So why is it that instead of seeking out connection with others, most of the time we feel the need to isolate ourselves? It’s one of the great paradoxes of grief, and it’s a cycle that feeds on itself. The more we isolate, the lonelier we feel, and that social isolation feeds our grief even more, which leads to wanting to isolate more. Add in the fact that spending time alone to process your feelings and nurture yourself can be healing, and it’s definitely a bit of a conundrum.
Today, we will discuss the reasons behind the tendency to isolate, the distinction between spending time alone and isolating, the risks of prolonged social isolation, and strategies for easing back into connecting with others.
Why We Isolate
The tendency to want to isolate yourself can be a normal and natural response to loss. This may be due to your personality and how you approach things. An introvert may feel a stronger need to isolate and protect their emotional energy. Or it may be because you were taught since childhood that you should keep strong emotions to yourself. “Go to your room until you’re done crying” can stick with us through adulthood. You may also feel the need, whether conscious or not, to protect yourself emotionally. People can add to our pain with the things they say. You may feel you can only “be strong” for so long, and then the pretending you’re fine gets too exhausting to carry on with. All this to say, there’s nothing wrong with you if your instinct is to isolate. It’s a normal reaction.
Myths We Believe
There are a few myths we may subscribe to that make isolation seem like the way to go.
I’m a burden to others. We often feel the weight of being the sad one, dragging everyone else down. We might feel we are too needy, too emotional, too sad. We don’t want to be the one who brings the mood down, so we avoid it altogether.
No one understands what I’m going through. And I’m here to say, this is true. No one does understand. Your loss is unique to you and your relationship to who or what you lost. But often our loved ones want to try to understand, but they can’t begin to understand if we don’t let them in. People who have experienced a loss of their own may not fully understand what you are going through, but they know what the experience was like for them, and sharing that can be healing.
I need to be strong or have it together before I’m around other people. This is kind of like needing to get in shape before you go to the gym — admittedly, a thought I’ve had! It’s okay not to be okay around people you love and trust.
People will judge how I’m grieving. Remember, there is no one right way to grieve. You are the only authority on your grief. You can’t do it “wrong”.
I should be over this by now. There are no “shoulds” in grief, and there is no set timeline for grief.
Other people are moving on, and I’m stuck right here. This comparison can be hard, especially when you are grieving the same loss, and the other person seems to have been able to move forward while you’re still struggling. Remember, it’s not a contest. Your grief is unique to you.
All of these can be reasons we believe isolating ourselves is the best course of action.
Why Is Isolation Harmful?
Have you ever heard the shocking statistic that prolonged social isolation is as bad for our health as smoking 15 cigarettes per day? It’s scary, but true. Social isolation can have a negative impact on our physical health, including a weakened immune system, increased inflammation, and sleep disturbances. It can also impact our mental health risks by exacerbating depression and anxiety and creating disruptions in our cognitive abilities.
We can also inadvertently create a grief echo chamber, where we feel alone, distrustful of others, and vulnerable to their thoughts about us (see the myths above). As a result, we begin to ruminate, and without considering other people’s perspectives, we can fall into distorted thought patterns. This can intensify our need to isolate, and ends up creating further pain for ourselves.
Grief is also a time when we need the support of others, and when we isolate ourselves, we deprive ourselves of the physical and emotional support and connection that are what we truly need to heal.
The Difference Between Healing Solitude and Harmful Isolation
Spending time alone in solitude to process your emotions or to nurture yourself can be tremendously healing. So what is the difference between that and harmful isolation? Let’s examine a few key differences:
Intent. Creating time alone to nurture yourself is a deliberate act of self-awareness. You recognize that you need solitude to grow and heal in a healthy way. Isolation is often unintentional and is more about avoidance than a deliberate purpose. It frequently stems from the myths above and even shame, whereas healing solitude stems from knowing your needs and acting on those.
Connection. When we engage in healthy alone time, we remain connected to our support system. You communicate that you need space. You might still respond to people checking on you while maintaining the boundary you’ve created to give yourself time. Isolation, on the other hand, occurs when we are not connected to others, not responding to texts, and leaving the people who care about us to wonder why we seem to have dropped off the planet.
Outcome. Healthy solitude will feel restorative and healing, while isolation creates more stress, loneliness, and negative thought patterns like “nobody cares about me,” etc.
If you’re unsure if you’re isolating or nurturing in solitude, you can ask yourself, “Am I choosing this space to heal and take care of myself, or am I hiding from people or feelings?” Nurturing in solitude leads with self-compassion. Isolation leads with fear and shame. If you are honest with yourself, you will be able to tell the difference.
The Healing Power of Connection (Even When It’s Hard)
The biggest reason we need to try to overcome our instinct to hide ourselves away and isolate when we are struggling with grief is that human connection and support are key factors in healing. In fact, receiving low levels of social support can be a risk factor for developing prolonged grief disorder. We need to do a better job of supporting each other to be sure, but part of that is allowing others to support you.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the world’s longest studies of adult development (currently at over 80 years), has found that the quality of our relationships is the strongest indicator of wellbeing during significant life challenges, including grieving a loss. Individuals with secure social connections demonstrated greater resilience and a faster recovery from traumatic events. Simply put, social connection is no small thing. We need each other — especially during our most difficult chapters. However, note that this doesn’t mean you need a multitude of surface-level social connections. A few deep connections with people you love and trust is wonderful.
So how do we ease back into connecting with other people?
Start with something simple like responding to a text. You could say something like, “I’m still not feeling up to talking, but it means a lot to know you’re thinking of me.”
Set boundaries on your time and capacity. “I don’t feel up to the crowds of a concert, but I’d love to sit and chat for a bit at home,” or “I am low on energy these days, so I can only stay for 30 minutes.”
Use a trusted friend as a buffer. If you need to attend a larger gathering or want to start easing back into group activities, consider asking a trusted friend to act as a buffer for you. This can help protect you from other people who may be excited to see you but may not be as sensitive to your needs or may ask intrusive questions. Knowing you have someone who has your back can take a lot of the edge off.
Be selective about who you connect with initially. Choose someone who you know will meet you where you are. A grief-informed friend who has been through a loss themselves will likely be understanding of your needs, even if that need is just to sit together in the same room while you read or watch a show together without much talking.
You’re not trying to jump back into your old social life and expectations, but simply to cultivate connection that meets you in your capacity right now.
Sometimes, grieving people find themselves in a situation where they are isolated, but not by their own choice. Friends and family may have stepped away or disappeared completely from your life during difficult times. Sadly, this is not an uncommon occurrence. People often slip out of our lives because they are uncomfortable with our pain, don’t know what to say or do, and feel powerless to help. They are ashamed of not reaching out, and it is a downward spiral. It doesn’t excuse them, but it gives a reason behind why they may have withdrawn. If you still value their friendship, reach out via text and say, “I know I’ve been not as available since my dad died, but I’d love to catch up sometime.”
I’m sorry that there isn't room in this blog post to discuss how to make new friends and find connections, but we can explore that topic another time.
Sometimes, working through your grief with a professional can help you feel more ready to connect with the people in your life. If you're interested in learning more, schedule a complimentary consultation call with me here.
