Seven Common Mistakes When Supporting Someone Who Is Grieving
And What To Do Instead
As a grief specialist, nearly every client I work with has a story of something someone said or did in an attempt to comfort them that ended up being uncomfortable, cringeworthy, or even downright painful. It has made me realize that we are not always good at mourning with those who mourn. I believe most people have good intentions and are well-meaning, but we don’t always know how to support the people we care about who are going through difficult chapters, so we inadvertently cause them more pain. These comments tend to stick in our memories, and believe me, you don’t want to be remembered as the person who said the very worst thing.
Part of learning how to support people who are grieving is by understanding what not to do or say and why. So, let’s explore some of the common grief support mistakes that we make. And please know, I’m not sharing these to shame you. I’m sharing to raise awareness so that we can all do a better job of supporting one another.
Seven Common Pitfalls
Saying “I know how you feel.”
It’s helpful to remember that grief is unique to the person grieving and also unique to their relationship with the person or thing they are grieving. If you are mourning the death of your dad, with whom you had a wonderful and loving relationship, your grief might feel very different from that of your neighbor who also lost her abusive and distant dad. Even people grieving the same person have different grief experiences because of the unique nature of our relationships and our emotional responses. So don’t assume you know how someone feels.
Why does this hurt? Because it minimizes their specific loss.
What to say instead: “When I lost my { }, I felt __________. What has this been like for you?”
Offering silver linings
Trying to find a bright side is a widespread response to someone else’s pain. We are uncomfortable that they are suffering, so we try to point out positive things in order to comfort them. Some examples of this are: “Everything happens for a reason,” “They’re in a better place now,” or any sentence that begins with “at least.” “At least they lived a long life.” “At least you have other kids.” “At least you had a chance to say goodbye.”
Why does this hurt? We are dismissing the pain that they are currently in and trying to force positivity. Anything following “at least” is something they already know.
What to do instead: Acknowledge the pain of their current situation without trying to fix it or point out the positives.
Setting timelines for grief
Somehow, we get the idea that grief should only last a certain amount of time. Often, the timeline in our heads is one year, and we expect that after that point, someone will be fine. Sometimes that expected timeline is much shorter, and we expect people to return to “normal” or their old selves within weeks. We say things like, “It’s time to move on,” or “I thought you would have moved past that by now.”
Here’s what you need to remember: There is no timeline for grief. Every person experiences loss differently. There is no standard timeline, and putting someone arbitrarily on one that you’ve made up can be extremely painful.
Why does this hurt? People can feel profoundly out of control with their grief. Maybe for the first time in their lives, the emotions and feelings they’re experiencing can pop up without warning and overwhelm them. I think most people would love to have more control over their grief, both in terms of timeline and intensity, but that’s not how it works. It takes as long as it takes.
What to do instead: Remember and reach out on significant dates. Be a good listener and follow their lead. Continue to support them along the way.
Making it about yourself
Have you ever had someone approach you to comfort you for a loss, but then they begin telling you all about the time they lost someone and how awful it was for them? You either find yourself enduring tales of someone else’s trauma or having to comfort them about something that happened in the past when you’re the one needing support now.
Why does this hurt? Because it shifts the focus from the person you are trying to support onto you. Even if you also need support, they probably don’t have the capacity to take on your loss, too.
What to do instead: Listen first, then share later if it’s appropriate or if they ask.
Avoiding them or the topic completely
This happens so often and is so painful for the grieving person. I don’t believe we make an initial conscious choice to avoid people we care about after they experience a loss, but we do this to each other quite a bit. I believe the cycle looks like this: We hear someone we care about is grieving. We want to reach out. We don’t know what to say. We want to find the perfect, meaningful thing to say. We think about it or avoid thinking about it because it’s hard. Time passes, and we still haven’t reached out. We feel awkward and ashamed about that, which only makes reaching out harder, and eventually, we avoid the person altogether. Or, we see them and don’t know what to say, so we pretend nothing happened at all, leaving the grieving person confused.
I’ve also heard from many widows that after their spouse dies, they feel abandoned by couple friends who disappear from the remaining person’s life with no explanation. This is deeply hurtful. And while yes, the dynamic has changed, you can still find ways to include your widowed friend.
Why does this hurt? Simply put, isolation makes grief even harder. And let’s be real, it never feels good to be abandoned by people we love. Especially not when we are at our lowest point.
What to do instead: Show up! Even if it’s awkward. Even if you don’t know what to say, you can say this: “I don’t know what to say, but I am here for you.” And then follow that up by being there for them. Don’t let the awkwardness of not knowing what to say cause you to abandon someone you love. It may not be something your grieving friend is willing to forgive or forget.
Expecting them to reach out first
“Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you…” We’ve all heard it. We’ve all said it! The problem is that most of the time, a grieving person will not reach out, and so this message often falls short.
Why does this hurt? Grieving people often are so overwhelmed they can’t articulate their needs, and it feels like more work for them to have to come up with something you can do to help and then ask for it, than just doing it themselves or leaving it undone. It makes us feel like we’ve done something when we really haven’t.
What to do instead: Reach out! Offer specific help. “I can bring dinner Tuesday or Thursday, which would be better?”
Forgetting about them after the funeral
When someone dies, often there is a substantial initial swell of support. More flowers, meals, and treats than they can even deal with. But after the funeral, we go back to our lives while the grieving person is just learning to grapple with life on the other side of their loss. The support tapers off incredibly quickly, while their needs continue to grow.
Why does this hurt? Grief often intensifies after the shock and initial outpouring of support have worn off.
What to do instead: Check in regularly, weeks or months after their loss. Even years later, it feels good to be remembered. And remember to check in on emotionally significant dates. Set a reminder in your phone if you need help remembering.
I genuinely believe that most of us have the best of intentions when we are trying to support people we love who are grieving. The problem is that the grieving person can’t see our intentions; they can only see our actions. I often hear clients say, “I found out who my real friends were. And who they weren’t.” And most people say that they’d rather have someone reach out in an awkward way than not hear from someone at all. So, please don’t let your imperfections or awkward feelings prevent you from reaching out and offering support. You and your grieving loved one will both be better for it.
If you or a loved one needs compassionate, understanding, and professional grief support, I would be happy to talk to you. Sign up for a free grief consultation call over Zoom with me HERE.
