Anticipatory Grief and Our Pets
Our sweet golden retriever, Stiggy, died a year ago this week. He was 13 years old, and we had heartbreakingly watched him decline over the previous months. We were grieving him before he was even gone.
Our situation is not unique. Unless your pet is a parrot or a tortoise, we know going into a pet relationship that we will almost certainly outlive this animal. It’s a heartbreak that we willingly sign up for, much to the bafflement of non-pet people. And for most of us, we’d say the love and joy that comes from a pet relationship is worth the awful pain of saying goodbye, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
Because of this unique relationship dynamic, anticipatory grief is very common when it comes to our pets. It can begin almost as soon as we bring a pet home, but really takes hold when we start to notice that they are getting older. Their faces go grey, they can no longer jump up the way they used to, or they begin to lose eyesight or other function. Let’s dive in a bit more and examine what makes this so challenging, as well as some strategies for coping.
Grieving while caring for them.
Anticipatory grief is almost a doubled weight because we are grieving and simultaneously caring for our pet. We want to be fully present with them, but the nagging reminder that the end is coming is never far away. Sometimes, sick or older pets have greater care needs, so we are caring and pouring our efforts into helping them, loving them more, and we are grieving. It’s a lot.
We can also fall into a trap of feeling ashamed for grieving them before they are gone because, in a sense, it feels like we might be giving up on them before their time. It can also be difficult when care becomes more intense and we are giving medication, helping with mobility, or dealing with incontinence issues. We can feel guilty for not enjoying this part of pet care, but also knowing that we will miss being able to care for them when they are gone.
End-of-Life Decisions
Making end-of-life decisions is a crushing responsibility. It is excruciating to have to make these difficult decisions for a being who can’t tell you what they want or need. Sometimes, we have to resort to clues our pet gives us about the number of good or bad days they're having. That said, even when we have determined that euthanasia is the kindest course of action, it can still feel so wrong.
We struggled mightily with this decision for our dog, Stiggy. The weight of deciding when we should make that appointment was so heavy. We ended up deciding to have a mobile vet come to our house instead of taking him to the vet — he hated riding in the car. The vet was so kind and reassured us that it was definitely time to make this decision for him, maybe even a little past time. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the pain of having to make that choice. It was something I struggled with until the very end. I remember thinking the vet was going to show up and scold us for wanting to put down a perfectly healthy dog. It was precisely the opposite experience, though. No scolding, just compassion and reassurance that Stiggy was ready even if we weren’t. Many clients I’ve worked with have shared a similar story. So if that is where you are, know that you are not alone. It’s so painful and only adds another layer of grief to losing a beloved pet.
Time as a Gift and a Curse
When we know the end of a pet’s life is near, we can feel an urgency to enjoy every moment with them. Sometimes the pressure of that takes away from the enjoyment of those moments. If you choose to consciously create lasting experiences or a bucket list with your pet, you can often feel like you are grieving through these experiences, knowing they’ll be the last. Anticipatory grief can cause us to feel that we are already saying goodbye during these times. It’s the grief that keeps on giving.
Isolation and Misunderstanding
The grief we feel from pet loss is often not acknowledged or understood by others, particularly if they are not animal people. “Your cat died? Just get a new one,” is often the attitude we are met with. So we may feel even less compassion and support from people when we are experiencing anticipatory grief. Sometimes, well-meaning people might try to offer us a bright side to losing our pet. “Well, you won’t have to be worried about being covered in dog hair anymore. That will be nice.” Or, “Now you can get a new kitten, and that will be so fun.” Ouch.
If you are reading this wanting to support someone through pet loss, please don’t try to bright side someone about their pet’s death. It’s dismissive of what is a very real and painful loss of a being that they loved very much. Support someone the way you would a friend who is grieving the loss of a family member. Their pain is real, even if you don’t understand it.
How to Cope
Reframe your mindset. Anticipatory grief does not mean you have given up on your pet. It’s an acknowledgement of how much you love them and the realization of how much you will miss them. Sometimes, anticipatory grief can even prepare you for what is to come, versus a sudden death that is shocking and horrible. Give yourself permission to feel however you are feeling. However, it is worth noting that multiple things can be true. You can grieve and still enjoy your time with them.
Be proactive with the time you have. This can involve being fully present in your interactions with your pet. Make sure to take photos and videos of them, even of them doing regular things. Take the time to think about their favorite things and consider how to incorporate them into their daily lives. Some people choose to create a bucket list of things they want to do with their pet, and that can be spread out over however much time you’d like if you know you’ve a bit of time. We didn’t create a bucket list with Stiggy, but we gave him a YES day on his last day, which mostly involved food, since he had lost a lot of mobility. He loved food, but had a very sensitive digestive system, so he was often told no about food he was very interested in. Yes, you can have a cheeseburger today. We loved being able to shower him with love in that way.
Honor your relationship. Focus on your pet’s comfort and your connection with them during this difficult time. Trust yourself that you know your pet well, and that you will make the best decisions for them when the time comes. Remember, that although it’s so painful, loving them through these last chapters is a gift to them and a way to honor the friend they have been to you through the years. If caregiving is part of your final days with your pet, know that it’s okay to ask for and receive help. Taking a break will help prevent burnout, and you’ll be able to be more present with them.
Seek support early. You don’t need to wait until your pet has died to seek support. Confide in trusted friends and family. Your vet can also help guide you through end-of-life decisions if you are worried about knowing when the time is right. They can also be a resource for support channels. I offer specialized support for people who have lost pets. As a pet mom, I understand, and I aim to provide compassionate support for you throughout this journey. You can schedule a free consultation call here.
There’s a quote from Dean Koontz about losing a dog that I love because he sums it up so beautifully. You can, of course, apply it to any pet, so I thought I would share it here to close. I hope you find some comfort in it.
“Dogs’ lives are too short. You know the pain is coming, but there’s such beauty in the hard honesty of that, in accepting and giving love while always aware that it comes with an unbearable price.”
