Grieving Your Identity: When Loss Changes Who You Are
Heraclitus said, “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man.”
Loss changes us, and we are not the same afterward. Sometimes the change in us is significant enough that we no longer recognize ourselves. This change, stemming from grief over a loss, can bring about grief of its own. Ross Gay, in his book “Inciting Joy,” describes grief as the way we metabolize change. It makes sense that often there is a grief process that goes along with the changes we see in ourselves after experiencing a primary loss.
This feeling of grief about how you’ve changed since experiencing a loss is very real and not something we talk about very often. It can be referred to as identity loss or simply as grieving who you were before. Because this dimension of grief isn’t frequently addressed, it can feel confusing, disorienting, and discouraging. Being able to name what’s going on is a good first step in finding your footing again, and that’s what we will talk about in this post today.
What is identity grief, and is that even a thing?
Identity grief comes when we are able to acknowledge that the person we were before experiencing a loss is different than the person afterward. There can be many reasons we grieve that, and we will look at specific scenarios in a bit. But more broadly, our identity is shaped by our roles, relationships, routines, and sense of belonging within a family, community, or group. So when a loss interrupts any of these things, we can feel untethered to who we are. This isn’t just “feeling off”. It’s something that we can experience when something central to who we are has changed or gone away.
Types of loss that trigger identity grief
This list cannot possibly be all-inclusive, but here are some common primary losses that can lead us to experience a secondary loss of self-identity.
Death of a spouse or life partner
Death of a child
Death of a parent. This can especially be the case for adult children who have been a caregiver to the parent before their death.
Divorce or end of a relationship
Pet loss. Often overlooked, but pets are such a huge part of our daily routines.
Job loss or retirement
Loss of health or physical ability
Children leaving home
Signs that you might be experiencing identity grief
Feeling like a stranger to yourself. Having thoughts like, “I don’t know who I am anymore.”
When someone asks how you are doing, you don’t know how to answer.
You start to avoid new social situations because you aren’t sure how to introduce yourself or answer questions like “what do you do?” or “tell me a little about yourself.”
Feeling like your future has been erased along with your loss.
Loss of interest in things that feel like “you”. This could be hobbies, interests, or goals, hopes, or dreams you had prior to your loss,
Loss of interest in caring for yourself. This can look like abandoning exercise routines, not being interested in eating, not putting much effort into the nutrition of what you eat, not caring for your physical environment, or losing interest in maintaining your physical appearance.
Each of these can signify that you may be grieving not just your loss, but who you were before your loss. These can be due to a specific role that was really built into our identity but no longer applies, or doesn’t apply in the same way as it used to. Or, it can be less tangible, like you grieve that before your loss, you were naive to the pain of grief, or that you used to be more happy-go-lucky. Maybe your loss has brought a new sense of vulnerability or anxiety, and you miss the person who didn’t feel that way.
Why do some losses reach deep into who we are?
Not every loss results in us feeling a loss of identity or self, so why does this happen? First, we don’t grieve in compartments. Grief touches us body, mind, and soul. Some losses are woven into so many aspects of our lives, including who we are, that it’s inevitable that we will feel changed by what has happened. Remember, grief is how we metabolize change. So when our reality, our world, our lives have changed, and we feel changed because of it, grief is the natural reaction to that change.
Psychologists refer to something called the Assumptive World Theory, which is, very basically, the idea that we all have certain assumptions about the world based on our experiences. These assumptions play a big role in how we see the world and ourselves. So when we experience a loss or traumatic event that disproves or challenges these assumptions, it can cause us to question not only the assumptions themselves and why we believed them, but also who we were when we made them. And we may grieve the person we were when we made these assumptions.
This is something that is a normal response to significant loss, and it may take time for you to sort it out. Going back again to Ross Gay’s idea that grief is how we metabolize change, this is not an instant process. We are essentially assimiliating new material into the fibers of who we are. This can take time. It also doesn’t mean we are having a breakdown. It is a process of integrating and reorganizing. This can be challenging and painful, and should be met with great amounts of self-compassion.
What actually helps you to find yourself again?
Recognize that you are grieving yourself, and let that be okay. Give yourself permission to grieve this without judgment or minimizing. Sometimes, just acknowledging and naming this loss to yourself can help.
Let yourself rest in the in between for a while. We can find ourselves uncomfortable in this space, and often have the urge to rebuild ourselves or our lives immediately. It’s okay to give yourself time and not have to make decisions right away. If people ask you questions, you can respond that you are “still figuring things out”.
Try to shift your thoughts about yourself from what you do to who you are. Try identifying your values, and think about who you are at your core, not just what you do, roles that you have, or what you’ve lost.
Self-care is always good, but in this case, I am talking about gentle practices like journaling, getting support for your grief (set up a free consultation HERE), or doing one thing every day that feels like “you”. This also includes caring for yourself with sleep, nutrition, movement, and connection with others.
I can’t emphasize enough how helpful it is to have your grief witnessed. If you have a trusted family member or friend who can do this for you, that’s great. But if you don’t, or need more focused support for your grief, as a grief specialist, I can help guide you through this and help you feel seen along the way.
Feeling like you’ve lost yourself in conjunction with a major loss can be disorienting and sometimes scary. But this isn’t the end of “you”, it’s just you learning more about the different layers of who you are and what’s important to you. You’re not less than you used to be, you are different than you used to be. That’s a normal part of integrating a loss into your life, and that can take time and support to work through. You haven’t truly lost yourself; you’re just working on finding out who you are now, and that is okay.
