What to Say and Do Months After Someone’s Loss
The flowers have faded and been tossed. The sympathy cards have stopped arriving. The fridge and pantry shelves have been cleared out of all the food people brought by to feed and comfort in those early days. Things are now quiet, but they’re certainly not back to normal. Your loved one is still grieving. And this can be the loneliest part, when all the hubbub of support fades, and they’re alone and wondering if anyone still cares or remembers them at all.
This is the uncomfortable reality that grievers face. Initially, following their loss, they can be overwhelmed with texts, calls, flowers, cards, and people bringing food. This onslaught gradually fades, not because people stop caring, but because they don’t know what to say or do next. No one really tells you what to say to someone grieving months later.
People have good intentions — we want to help! But it can feel awkward to show up again, or to show up for the first time late, because you didn’t know what to say or do at first, either. You don’t want to say the wrong thing, but what is the right thing? You don’t want to remind them of their loss. What if they’re just feeling better and you bring it all back up again? What if you make it worse?
If that’s where you find yourself, this post is for you. I hope you’ll find reassurance that it’s not too late, as well as some practical advice on how to support people who are grieving months (or even years) after their initial loss.
Why People Disappear (and why it’s not malicious)
I truly don’t think that most people sit at home gleefully cackling about how they’re going to abandon their grieving friends, but it happens more than we’d like to admit. There are a few common reasons that grief support drops off over time.
We make assumptions that time has helped heal. This can be particularly true of people we don’t know super well. We see them looking well and returning to normal activities, so we assume they are doing fine. Keep in mind that grief doesn’t have a look, and time is not a magic bullet.
We don’t want to remind them of their loss. This is such a strong thought that prevents us from acting, but when we really think about it, it doesn’t have much merit. They have absolutely not forgotten about their loss. So it’s impossible for this to be a real threat.
We genuinely have no idea what to say besides, “I’m so sorry.” And after a time, that seems inadequate to keep repeating. So we tend to freeze trying to come up with something else meaningful to say, and we can’t. So we end up staying stuck.
Our lives really do get busy. We mean to reach out or do something when things calm down, but by the time they do, we look up and realize it’s been months. We feel embarrassed that we didn’t reach out sooner, and now it feels too late and awkward to show up.
If this is you, you’re not alone. I would venture to say that at least one of these scenarios has happened to each of us. No one really teaches us what to do or say beyond those early days, and even then, it can feel awkward. Emotional conversations can be difficult, especially if you are uncomfortable with strong emotions. We can quickly feel inadequate and overwhelmed, to the point where we freeze and do nothing at all.
It’s often said that grief is hardest during months 3-6 following a loss, though it should be noted that there is absolutely no set timeline for grief, and everyone’s experience is individual. But if that is the case for a grieving person, 3-6 months after a loss is not when the most support shows up. So, by knowing this, we can work on getting better at showing up for the people we love when they need us most.
What Not to Lead With
While I could write pages about things you should and shouldn’t say to someone who is grieving, here are a few guidelines that are important to keep in mind, especially in this scenario, months after someone’s initial loss.
“I didn’t want to bring it up in case you forgot about it for a minute.” They didn’t forget, and it can be upsetting to your loved one to think you thought they could forget.
“At least…” Pointing out silver linings, blessings, or things to be grateful for is not comforting and can feel dismissive of the pain they are experiencing around their loss.
Ignoring the topic altogether and asking for updates on other parts of their lives. “How’s that bathroom remodel going?” can seem really out of the blue when you’re not acknowledging the elephant in the room, so to speak.
Focusing the conversation on your discomfort or sadness. You don’t want to attempt to comfort someone, only to have them feel like they are now having to support and comfort you over their loss.
So now we’ll move on to what to do or say. And to be real with you, it’s good news. The bar is lower than you think! As a society, we are generally so bad at this that even the smallest gestures go a long way.
What to Actually Say
Here are a few things you can practice and have in your pocket to say, so you’re not stuck trying to think of something only to freeze again. Find one or two that feel right for your personality and your relationship to the grieving person.
“I’ve been thinking about you a lot. How are you really doing?”
“I know it’s been a few months, but I just wanted you to know I haven’t forgotten.”
“There is no timeline for grief. I’m here for as long as you need me.”
“I’d love to spend some time together if you’re up for it. Would it feel good to get out of the house and go somewhere, or would you rather have me come to you?”
“I was thinking about {name of the person they lost} recently. They were so special/funny/kind, etc.”
Often we are afraid to use the name of the person who died to avoid upsetting our grieving loved one, when, in fact, the opposite is true. Saying their name and talking about them is a way to keep their memories alive. Say their name! It can be such a gift.
What to Do Months Later
Sometimes finding the right words can be tricky or uncomfortable, or words just don’t feel like enough. Here are some ideas for things you can do instead.
Remember dates and reach out. A simple “Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you today,” can feel so good. Dates to reach out could include their loved one’s death date, but also birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays.
Invite, but be flexible. “Hey, I’d love to grab lunch next week if you’re up for it, but no pressure if you’re not.” Make sure they know you’re fine even if they change their mind at the last minute.
Offer something specific. Instead of saying “Let me know if you need anything!”, offer to help when the time comes to clean out their loved one’s closet or home. Offer to bring dinner every Tuesday for a few months. Offer to do their Costco run when you are going anyway. Being specific takes the burden off their shoulders to think of something. And for a lot of us, it’s so hard to ask for help outright.
Send the text. If you’re thinking about them, let them know. It doesn’t have to be on an occasion, and you don’t have to say anything eloquent. Just something as simple as “You’re on my mind today, love you!” can be really meaningful.
Set yourself reminders to check in. 3 months out, 6 months out, a year — even random intervals would be great. Who does a 5-month check-in? No one, but it’s appreciated more than you know. Birthdays, anniversaries, death dates. You can do this however works best for you to remember, whether it’s a paper planner/calendar or a reminder on your phone.
I’ve recently become acquainted with the founder of the SincereNotes app. She’s a wonderful, thoughtful person who designed an app just to make it easier to stay in touch with people and follow through on those days you want to check in with someone. It’s the perfect thing to help keep you on top of the dates and moments you don’t want to pass you by. This is not at all sponsored, I just think it’s a great app. Here are the links to it on Apple and Android.
A Note on What Grieving People Actually Need From You
If you haven’t been through a major grief event, it might be hard to know what grieving people would want or need. And while every person, their grief, and their grieving process are unique, here are a few thoughts to keep in mind.
Grieving people need to talk about their person. Even if it’s stories you’ve heard many times. Bringing up memories of their person, if you knew them, or letting them share stories and memories with you, goes so much farther than a perfunctory wellness check.
Grieving people need to not feel like you are checking a box on your to-do list. Story time: my husband had brain surgery in 2019. It was a complicated surgery, and he felt awful afterward and wasn’t in a state where he wanted visitors. We had one persistent friend who kept asking if he could come visit. I kept declining his offer because it was not what my husband needed. Eventually, we let him come because I needed him to stop asking. He came, stayed 5 minutes, and then we never heard from him again. It absolutely felt like we were on his to-do list, and once we were checked off, he didn’t really care. It was more about him feeling good about himself, not really what my husband or I needed in that moment. I know surgery recovery is not the same as grief, but I think the principle applies. Be sensitive to what they need, not what you need to feel like you’re a good, caring person.
Grieving people need to feel like their loss is still real to other people. They get lots of messages about how it’s time to move on. They need to feel like their loss matters because their person still matters.
Grieving people need to feel free to not be okay. Life often demands that we pretend we are fine when we absolutely are not. So many people are uncomfortable with big emotions. Be the person who doesn’t judge or walk away when they need to be a mess. Be the person they never have to perform for. Those people are more rare than you’d think.
Keep in mind that you do not have to fix anything. In fact, you can’t fix it. Your grieving loved one knows that and has no expectations that you can or should fix this for them. So don’t put that on your own shoulders. You just need to be there with them.
Whenever I teach about ways to better support grieving people, someone inevitably comes up to me looking mortified and says, “I feel terrible, because I’ve done all the things you said not to do. I’ve said all those things you said not to say.” And my answer is always, “Oh, my friend. So have I!” Haven’t we all?
It doesn’t mean you don’t care about people; it just means we aren’t always taught how best to support them in their most difficult chapters. And that’s okay. If you’re reading this, it’s because you do care and you want to get better at it, and that’s half the battle. This is something we can continually work on and get better at throughout our lives.
And if you’re the one grieving, wishing the people in your life were reading this, send it to them. You’re allowed to show people what you need from them, and the people who love you will be grateful to know.
If this was helpful, I regularly post “what to say/what not to say” themed posts on Instagram. You can follow me HERE.
