Helping Your Child through Pet Loss
I was five years old when I got my first pet — a tiny, grey and white kitten named Muffy, whom we adopted from the shelter. It was around Thanksgiving, and I remember her being so small she would crawl up and sit in a tiny little ball on my mom’s shoulder while she cooked. Muffy had only been with us for about a week when my parents woke up and found that she had died overnight. I remember being told that she died because she was too young to be away from her mother, though now looking back, I have no idea if that was really the reason or if they even knew why, but that’s what I was told. As you can imagine, I was completely heartbroken.
Like many kids, losing a pet was my first experience with grief. I remember my parents being comforting, and they promised we could go back to the shelter and pick a new kitten, which we did. Despite having a new kitten, I remember feeling so sad about Muffy and confused about why we had her if she was too young to be away from her mother.
As losing a pet is a common childhood experience and often a first grief experience, our children must be supported well, as this can be a foundational experience with the emotions associated with grieving. I’ll share some ideas on how to support your kids during this challenging time, but first, let’s take a brief look at what grief looks like in children.
Grief in Children
Grief in children and teens may not manifest in the same way as in adults, but their feelings are still very real. It’s essential not to assume they are fine simply because they are “too young” to understand.
They may go from crying and upset one minute to playing the next. They might seem like they’ve taken the initial news in stride, but then big emotions come up at bedtime or in the weeks or months to come. Don’t assume that because they don’t have an initial big reaction that they don’t care or aren’t affected by the loss.
Age-Specific Grief Responses
Ages 2-5: They may not fully grasp that death is permanent. Expect repeated questions like “When is Oscar coming home?" or dwelling on what happened. They might regress to earlier behaviors, such as bedwetting, thumb-sucking, or increased clinginess. Physical symptoms, such as stomachaches or trouble sleeping, are common.
Ages 6-9: Children at this age are beginning to understand death's permanence but may feel responsible ("Did I make my hamster sick?"). They often express grief through play, drawing, or storytelling. Anger and guilt are common emotions that frequently accompany sadness.
Ages 10-12: Kids at this age have a more adult-like understanding but experience intense emotions. They may withdraw from friends, show declining school performance, or ask detailed questions about what happens after death. Some children may feel anxious and become protective of their remaining pets or family members.
When to be concerned
Typical responses to loss include temporary changes in appetite or sleep, occasional emotional outbursts, and questions about death. Seek support if children show prolonged withdrawal (weeks), persistent nightmares, or significant regression that interferes with daily functioning.
I often get asked if I work with children, and I’m sorry to say the answer is no. I am not licensed to work with children. However, I do have trusted professionals that I can refer you to. Please get in touch with me here if you need suggestions or referrals.
The critical thing to remember is that children's grief often looks different from adult grief, but it's no less valid or important. And your kids need your support to get through it.
Immediate Support Strategies
Be honest, but gentle about what happened. We’ve all heard the stories joked about where parents told the kids that the family dog had to “go live on a farm”. Depriving a child of the truth of what happened to their pet can be very upsetting when the reality of what happened is later revealed. This can create trust issues and cause significant grief, even years after the fact.
Avoid euphemisms about death. We aren’t very comfortable talking about death and dying, so euphemisms are tempting. However, it can be confusing for kids to understand what really happened. Using phrases like “put to sleep” or “in doggie heaven” or “crossed the rainbow bridge” with kids can be perplexing to them. It’s okay (and even good!) to say that their pet died. If they need you to explain what that means, then you can provide an age-appropriate explanation.
Let them know whatever feelings they’re having are okay. It’s okay to feel sad and to cry. It’s okay to feel angry and need to get the anger out in a safe way. It’s okay to feel scared or confused. Let them know that these feelings are normal when you’ve lost a pet that you love. Let them know how you are feeling, so they know they’re not alone.
Resist the urge to replace the pet immediately. “We’ll go pick out a new kitten tomorrow.” This is a very common way that parents try to stave off their children’s grief. And while, yes, it is fun to get a new pet, taking the time to mourn the pet you just lost and the time to make sure a new pet is right for your family will help you have a better outcome. It also teaches kids that people and pets aren’t replaceable, and that when you do get a new pet, it won’t be to take the place of the pet who died, but rather because you want to share your home and love with a new pet. Very often, a rebound pet is an impulse purchase that ends up not working out well in the family, and everyone resents the new pet for not being the old pet. I’m certainly not saying never get another pet, just proceed carefully here.
A beautiful way to help your child honor your pet is to come up with an idea to memorialize them together. You could collect items to donate to an animal shelter or other service project, plant a tree or plant in their memory, create a scrapbook or photo album about them, or make some artwork. Involving your child in the decision and execution of a memorial plan for your pet can be a really healing opportunity.
Grief is the natural response to losing someone or something we love, so it makes sense that losing a beloved animal can be such a painful experience, no matter what your age. When this happens to our children, providing them with the support they need to navigate the loss of an animal friend can help them become adults who are more resilient to loss and change.
