When Caregiving Ends: Grieving and Finding Purpose in Your Changing Role
“There are only four kinds of people in the world–those who have been caregivers, those who are currently caregivers, those who will be caregivers, and those who will need caregivers.” ~Rosalynn Carter
In the United States, around 105 million people count themselves as caregivers. This means that over 40.5% of the US adult population is caregiving in some form, and this percentage will only grow as the Baby Boom generation ages. Caregiving can be all-consuming, and there are so many aspects of it we could talk about, but today, we will focus on the caregiver transition and grief when the person you’re caring for dies.
Grieving the loss of someone you acted as a caregiver for can be complicated. You are grieving the person you lost, and possibly also your role and identity as their caregiver. This grief may also be accompanied by relief, guilt, or other emotions that can have you feeling all over the place, and when you add that to a sense of “what now?” that comes when you’re so used to filling your hours with caregiving, it can really be difficult. These feelings are all normal and natural, and in this blog post, we will focus on life after caregiving ends and less on grieving the person you’ve lost, though I recognize it’s all very much tied together.
Your Identity After Caregiving
The average caregiver spends about 4 years in this role, so it’s no wonder that when your time as a caretaker has come to an end, you can feel uncertain about who you are and what your life will look like now. Your purpose and. your schedule have changed. The all-consuming aspect of caregiving didn’t give you a lot of time for friends or hobbies, but now that it’s over, you’re not sure how to fill your time. You may have longed for a break, but now that you have one, you feel guilty for feeling that way. And let’s be honest, it can feel good to be needed, even if it is in an intense way. Navigating how you feel now that you’re not required in that capacity can be difficult.
Permission to Grieve
Even though caregiving is taxing in so many ways, it can still feel gratifying and purposeful. It can feel like a gift we are giving to our loved one, even though it’s hard. So when you transition away from caregiving, it’s normal to grieve the role as well as the person. People may comment that you must be glad to have your time back or remark on how relieved you must be to have that part of it over. For some people, that can feel really true. For others, those thoughts feel true but are accompanied by guilt. And some people don’t feel that way at all. It’s important to remember that however you feel, it’s okay. Two things can be true at once. You can miss caregiving even though it was difficult. You can miss the person you cared for and still be relieved that the caregiving is over. You can honor the role caregiving played in your life, along with the person you lost. It can, and does, look different for everyone because you and your story are unique.
What No One Tells You About Life After Caregiving
It feels confusing, but you may be more exhausted now than you were before. You probably couldn’t stop before, and now your brain knows that you can, and it will ensure you get the rest that you’ve been needing.
You may still feel the pull of familiar routines. If medications or mealtimes were on a specific schedule, you may still feel tied to that. Your body may take time to fully relax and adjust to the fact that you don’t have to be alert at night.
Our friendships may feel awkward. To be perfectly honest, people who haven’t been a caregiver just don’t get it. They don’t understand the mental, physical, and emotional load that caregiving takes on a person, and so they may not understand why you’ve been more absent as a friend. They may have moved on or may feel uncomfortable that they didn’t know how to support you. Or they may feel uncomfortable with your grief.
You may need to reevaluate your financial and practical realities. Perhaps you had to quit your job or take on fewer hours to support your caregiving. Often, people go into debt to navigate this time. You may need to look at your savings if it’s been depleted, and make plans to become more financially sound. You may have also neglected your own physical care during your caregiving season. It could be a good time to see your doctor and start building some healthy habits you didn’t have time or capacity for before.
Reconnecting with Yourself After Caregiving Transitions
Phase 1: Rest and Recovery
I just wanted to let you know that there is no timeline here. The time you need here may vary and depend on the length or intensity of the caregiving you provided. The first component of this is physical rest and recovery. Here, we want to make sure that you’re prioritizing sleep, nutrition, and medical care you may have neglected. Getting your body out of a state of exhaustion is an essential foundation for recovery.
Second, we want to focus on your emotional recovery. This could include therapy, support groups for former caregivers, grief recovery work, or wellness coaching. If you are interested in finding out more about grief recovery work, please set up a free consultation call with me HERE.
Third, and this may be hard for you, is permission to do “nothing”. Now this doesn’t necessarily mean that you stay in bed for days on end, though you may need that level of rest for a period. Permission to do nothing also looks like not having to be productive. Give yourself time and permission to just “be” for a bit.
Phase 2: Rediscovery
Once you are feeling less depleted physically and emotionally, you can move on to the rediscovery phase. This can look like a lot of journaling or list-making. But taking the time to write these things down physically can really open up thoughts and ideas for you. Some things to consider: what were your interests before? What were your hobbies? What dreams did you have for yourself? What did you wish you had time for when you were caregiving?
Caregiving can really stretch us and force us to discover new things about ourselves. What are some things you learned about yourself during your caregiving season? What are some strengths you found?
Sometimes we can find ourselves thinking, “I don’t even know what I like to do anymore!” because there can be such a disconnect from ourselves as we care for someone else. To discover this, you can conduct a few experiments. Maybe try one old hobby, and then try something new you’ve never done but seems like it might be fun. Be open-minded and try not to force yourself into old or new boxes. You’re just trying. It’s okay if you don’t like it, or if you’re bad at it but want to get better. It’s okay if you don’t enjoy things you used to, or if returning to old hobbies is what makes you feel most like yourself.
Reclaim your space. If you were caregiving at home, return your space to its original (or a new and improved) function, donate caregiving supplies you no longer need, and take time to organize your space so it works for your life now as a former caregiver.
Phase 3: Rebuilding
Your identity after caregiving can be challenging because you gave so much of yourself to caring for someone else. This can be rewarding and depleting. Once you’ve taken time to fill your tank a bit and rediscover what you want life to look like after caregiving for you, you can consider renewing your social connections or creating new ones, finding fulfillment in volunteer or service opportunities that were out of reach before, or creating new routines that help you find structure and feel fulfilled.
Please be aware that finding new purpose is not something you can schedule. You might need to take time to experiment and rediscover yourself before you find something new. Also, please remember that your value as a human being is intrinsic and not determined by being a caregiver.
Remember that your years as a caregiver weren’t lost years; they were challenging times when you discovered new strengths and skills. You can carry these new strengths forward with you in your new path.
If you find yourself struggling with transitioning out of a caregiving role, understand that it’s normal for major life transitions to be rocky, but also please reach out for help if you find yourself growing depressed, isolating from people, or having negative thoughts about your worth. This transition is legitimately hard, and you don’t have to navigate this alone.
Feeling lost in the immediate aftermath of the death of someone you cared for is normal. It doesn’t mean you’ll feel lost forever. Rediscovering yourself and your purpose now not only honors you but also honors the person you cared for. Purpose often finds us when we create space for it, and I hope that these tips can help you do just that. If you’d like help processing the grief that comes when you lose a loved one or the grief that comes with the end of a meaningful season in your life, please reach out to me here. I’d love to be part of your journey forward.
