What Not to Say When Someone Loses a Pet
Plus some things you can say
Losing a pet can be absolutely heartbreaking, and what makes it worse sometimes is that not everyone understands or appreciates the depth of the pain losing an animal friend can bring. So often, people who lose animal companions feel unsupported or, even worse, can be on the receiving end of hurtful comments.
From the other person’s perspective, we may feel like we are saying kind or comforting things, or we might say things we’ve heard in the past without really considering how they might be received. I genuinely believe that most people don’t intend to make hurtful comments, but they often don’t know what not to say and why, and what they can say instead. This blog post is designed to help with that.
First, we need to acknowledge that all losses are felt at 100% for that loss for that person. This means that someone can measure how much each loss affects them personally, but that someone on the outside can’t — and shouldn’t try to compare or measure how much a loss affects someone. So, it simply doesn’t matter if you consider a pet loss to be no big deal in the grand scheme of things. What matters is how the person who lost the pet feels. To really support people, it’s essential to meet them where they are without judgment — no matter how significant you perceive the loss to be.
Second, it’s very common to try to comfort grieving people with logic. Keep in mind that grief is not a logic problem. It’s the normal and natural response to loss. Grief is an emotional experience, and trying to solve it with logic feels cold, unhelpful, and simply not comforting. When we remember that grief is not a problem to be solved, but a difficult circumstance to be supported through, we can do a better job of helping people feel cared for while they’re grieving.
So, let’s look at a few common, but unhelpful, phrases people use to support someone who has lost a pet.
“Well, it was just a cat/dog/etc.”
“It’s not like it was a person, then you’d feel really bad.”
“You can always get another pet.”
“A new puppy/kitten will cheer you right up.”
“They were old. You know pets don’t live very long anyway.”
“At least you gave them a good life.”
“Now you’ll have less mess/hair to deal with.”
“Now you’ll be able to travel without worrying about them.”
“Sorry, but I never really liked your cat/dog.”
“That’s the hard thing about pets. They always die.”
Some of these phrases are pretty specific, but you can use your imagination to think of other phrases like these.
So why might these be hurtful things to say?
You may not understand the depth of love a relationship with a pet can have, so it might not seem like a big deal to you. But for people who love a pet, this can be an extremely painful loss. You don’t have to experience this yourself to trust that they are legitimately grieving.
Phrases like this are dismissive of the significance of the loss and the importance of the pet to this person. When they are heartbroken, and you act like they are overreacting or maybe a little crazy for having such an emotional reaction, it is impossible for them to feel supported by you. You aren’t offering perspective that they don’t have.
No one wants to hear a bright side to their loss, and that’s not just true for pet loss but for anyone experiencing loss of any kind. We often just want people to feel better, and so the temptation to try to point out the silver lining, the bright side, or even small advantages is real, but it never serves to comfort the grieving person. It just comes across as dismissive.
Here’s an example. Years ago, our family had a cat named Moseley, who was a flame-point Himalayan. He had white fur with orange ears, nose, cheeks, and tail. He was a delight, and we dearly loved him. When he died from cancer, someone pointed out how great it would be that we no longer had to worry about being covered in his white fur. And while we always had a lint roller on hand to pick up stray white cat hairs, we would have gladly kept doing that forever just to have Moseley around. It wasn’t a comfort at all, and this insensitive comment (intended to help us feel better) only served to make me angry.
If I can teach people anything about supporting grieving people, I hope it’s this: Anything that comes after the words “at least” is not comforting. At least he’s not suffering anymore. At least it’s not a person. At least you have your other pets. At least now you can get a new pet without worrying about introducing them. At least you’ll have to vacuum less. At least you won’t be out cleaning up the yard this winter. Etc., etc., etc. Anything that comes after “at least” is something that they undoubtedly already know, and it’s not something that is helping them feel better. Try to banish “at least” phrases from your vocabulary. They’re never helpful.
Remember, the most painful thing you can say is not saying anything at all. No one wants to say the wrong thing, but sometimes we get paralyzed by trying to find the perfect thing to say. There are no magic words, but use this to guide you to saying something kind, even if you feel awkward. As Brené Brown says, “Be awkward, brave, and kind.”
When you’re thinking of what to say, here are a few things to keep in mind:
There are no perfect words that will fix it
Don’t overthink to the point that you end up saying nothing
If you can’t think of the right words, default to something simple and kind.
Here are a few things to say that could get you started:
“Pets are family. I know she meant so much to you.”
“You clearly loved each other very much. I’m so sorry!”
“I would love to see a picture of them if you’d like to share.”
“He sounds so special. He was lucky to be yours. Do you have any favorite memories or stories about him? I’d love to hear.”
Share a favorite memory you have of their pet
