Setting Boundaries with Family when You’re Grieving
Note: For the purposes of this post, I will use Thanksgiving as the primary example, as it’s timely for when I’m writing this. But, please know, that these ideas apply to any holiday or other gathering where there are expectations for you.
With any holiday, there come a lot of expectations and pressure. People are counting on you to uphold traditions, to cook the family recipes, and to host them as you usually do. You’ve done it for years, and your family can hardly conceive of doing it any other way.
But this year, it all feels different. This year, you are grieving, and some days getting out of bed is the best you can do. However, you still feel the pull of those expectations from your family, and the reality of not wanting to let them down, yet knowing your capacity this year is not what it once was.
When you’re in this tricky spot, one of the best things you can do is set boundaries or expectations for your family ahead of time. You love your family! And, you also need to protect your energy and your heart. These boundaries aren’t about rejecting your family or being harsh. They’re about honoring where you are in your grief and finding ways to do the holidays this year that work for you. This post will provide you with practical scripts and strategies to help you establish boundaries without guilt.
Boundaries can feel difficult when you’re grieving
There are a few reasons that boundaries can be hard to set when we are grieving:
You’ve already lost so much, and saying no to long-held traditions, even just for this year, feels like one more loss. This can be true for yourself, as well as not wanting to create another loss for family members.
Sometimes family members can be more vocal about needing to spend time together, or that “they’d want us to celebrate still.”
Guilt. You may already be feeling guilty for not showing up as you have in the past, and disappointing people at the holidays feels unbearable.
You’re exhausted, and sometimes it just feels easier to go along with the usual plan than to explain why you have to do things differently.
What boundaries can look like
Big Boundaries
Skipping Thanksgiving entirely this year.
Attending a different gathering than usual. Friendsgiving instead of the family feast. Or, instead of hosting 40 people, hosting 15.
Hosting at your place, but on your terms. You used to provide the entire meal; this year, guests have assignments. Or, you’re not hosting dinner, but just a pie night. Or, you’re happy to host dinner, but can’t manage overnight house guests this year.
Medium Boundaries
Coming for only part of the day. You’ll be there for dinner, but you won’t be staying for game night or coming early to watch the game.
Bringing a support person who can help you navigate intrusive questions or just provide their comforting presence.
Instead of carpooling, having your own transportation so that you are free to leave whenever you need to.
Small Boundaries
Send a text to the group, “I can’t talk about them today. Thanks for understanding.”
Needing to step outside alone for a bit.
Not forcing yourself to play games when you’re just not in the mood.
Skipping your turn in the “what are you thankful for?” circle.
The Scripts: How to actually communicate these things to your family
When you need to stay home
“I’m not ready for a big Thanksgiving gathering this year. I need something small and simple. I love you, and I hope you understand.”
“It’s all too raw for me still, so I’m going to sit this one out. I’ll be thinking of you all, though!”
“Thank you for the invitation. I need to honor where I am in my grief this year, and so I’m going to be staying home. That’s what I need this time around.”
When setting time limits
“I’d love to come, but I’ll need to leave by (whatever time).”
“I can come for dinner, but I can’t do the whole day. I hope that’s okay.”
“I’d love to come, but just know that I tire really easily these days, so I may have to duck out early.
When you need to avoid certain topics
“I’m feeling extra emotional and not ready to talk about my person/pet today. Can we save these stories for another time?”
“If anyone asks how I’m doing, just tell them I’m taking it one day at a time. I’m not feeling up to explaining it all to everyone today.”
“Please don’t sit me next to Aunt Marion. She always says the most insensitive things, and I just can’t handle it today.”
When people push back (even lovingly)
“I understand this is disappointing. I’m disappointed, too, but this is really all I can handle right now.”
“I know you want me there, and that means a lot. But this is what’s best for me this time.”
“This isn’t personal. I’m doing the best I can right now.”
For the well-meaning (or not so well-meaning) guilt trip
When they say, “But it’s tradition!” You can respond with, “I know, and traditions do matter. But this year, I need to create a new tradition of taking care of myself.”
When they say, “But we are all hurting!” You can say, “You’re right, and we all grieve differently. This is what I need, and I understand if you need something else.”
When they say, “But it won’t be Thanksgiving without you!” You can say, “That’s so kind, and it’s hard for me, too. But, I can’t be there this year. I hope you understand.”
How to share your boundaries
You’ve set the boundaries, and now it’s important to communicate them. People can’t read your mind. And even if they’re grieving as well, remember that everyone grieves differently, and so they may not have the same needs or expectations as you. Don’t create more pain for yourself and your loved ones by expecting people to know what you are thinking.
Share in advance. This is particularly important if people are expecting you to host. Give them time to make other plans. Sharing in advance also gives people plenty of time to be aware and make plans themselves for seating or other arrangements or topics they need to avoid. If you send a text out the morning of, and Aunt Marion has been busy baking and didn’t see it, you can’t blame her if she immediately busts through your boundaries.
If you have particularly persistent family members, you might want to avoid constantly having to justify your boundaries from now until the actual day, and that’s fine, too. Just be thoughtful about it. For instance, it would not be kind to announce on Wednesday that you won’t be hosting Thanksgiving dinner. But, it might be fine if you know ahead of time you don’t have the energy to stay for dessert, not to announce a week in advance that you’re planning to leave early.
You can share your boundaries in person, on the phone, or via text or email. This depends on your relationship and also on the people you are sharing with. Remember, that tone can be challenging to read via text or email. But those formats can be nice because they remove the pressure of an immediate response. You’ll know best how to approach this.
When sharing, be kind and clear. You don’t have to be apologetic. You don’t have to over-explain or get into details you’re not ready to share. You can expect questions and even some push-back, and when you expect that, you can have some responses ready.
What to do when our boundaries are violated
We often think of boundaries as being things we don’t want other people to do or say. But in reality, we have absolutely no control over what other people say and do. You may ask Aunt Marion not to talk about your loss, but she might look you in the eye and tell you that you need to get over it.
So, boundaries really are for you. You aren’t up to hosting this year. You only have the energy this year to attend dinner, and not the game night after. You are not going to entertain a conversation about your loved one’s final days.
When Aunt Marion plows right through your boundaries you can:
Respond calmly. “I asked you not to bring that up today.”
End the conversation, even if that means walking away.
Take a break. Leave the room, or leave the house for some fresh air.
Have your keys ready and your car in an easy spot to get out so that you can leave altogether if you need to.
Remember that their reaction is on them. It’s not your responsibility to manage. This doesn’t mean you need to be harsh or unkind. Please note that when we set boundaries, sometimes for the very first time, people may not respond well. It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong or that you don’t love your family. You’re not being selfish. You’re surviving the impossible. The people who love you will understand, if not immediately, eventually.
Keep in mind, these don’t have to be permanent changes unless you want them to be. It might be helpful to view this year as if you are traveling. Things will be different from usual, but it’s only temporary. You can revive old traditions again if you'd like to next year. Or you can take time to think about and create new traditions that honor your loss and who you are now. Have compassion on yourself and what you need this year. Trust yourself to know what you can handle, and don’t be afraid to speak up for what you need this holiday season.
