Coping With Holiday Grief When Everyone Around You Is Celebrating
One of the more disorienting things about grief is that your world has completely stopped, and yet the world around you just keeps spinning. You’re surrounded by people going about their lives as if nothing happened. It can feel so wrong and so lonely. This is never more true than during the holiday season. It’s not always “the most wonderful time of the year”, and that song blaring in every store you go into will not make it so.
Grief often makes us feel lonely or isolated, but during the holidays, when everyone around you is living a different emotional reality than you are, those feelings can feel overwhelming. The holiday festivities can also feel like a slap in the face with the reality that life goes on without your person or pet, or despite your diagnosis, divorce, miscarriage, or other devastating news. And often, our quiet pain feels invisible during all the hustle and bustle, gatherings, decorating, and parties. So how do we cope? I’ve got a few ideas for you.
First, let’s just establish that you’re not broken for not feeling festive. The holidays can be a happy time of year, but they can also be stressful, overwhelming, and lonely for many people. You’re not alone in not feeling holiday joy, and it’s okay.
Grieving is not a character flaw or a weakness. It’s the normal and natural response to loss, and you can’t override it just because it’s the holidays. I like this quote from Dr. Alan D. Wofelt, “Let your holiday grief be what it is. And let yourself — your new, grieving self — be who you are.” Please give yourself permission to feel exactly the way you feel without pressure to fix it or perform.
Second, grief is a time when we learn to hold two truths at once. You can feel isolated and know that you aren’t the only one grieving through the holidays. You can honor your feelings and your loss and allow others to feel their joy. You can miss your person or pet and appreciate a moment of beauty or happiness.
More wisdom from Dr. Alan D. Wofelt: “Be open to the possibility of happiness during the holidays. And if and when you do feel glimpses of happiness, do so without guilt. You are still alive, and finding happiness means you are carrying on with your life’s purpose.” Try to stay away from either/or thinking. If you end up finding pockets of joy or peace during the holidays, please remember that it doesn’t mean you aren’t still grieving or missing your loved one. It doesn’t mean that your grief or love isn’t enough. Try to accept the moment for what it is without guilt. Two things can be true.
Third, stop fighting against your grief. Try to be gentle with yourself always, but especially during the holidays. It won’t help to beat yourself up over the things you don’t have the energy to do this year, or for feeling like you just want to hide until December ends. In fact, the more we resist grief, the harder it feels.
This resistance or fight often looks like:
Telling yourself you “should” feel grateful, joyful, or festive.
Pushing down tears or sadness because “it’s the holidays”. Remember Emma Thompson’s character Karen in the movie Love, Actually? While opening gifts, she discovers her husband is having an affair (sorry for the spoiler, but the movie is over 20 years old!). She excuses herself to her bedroom, where she cries, and then you can almost physically see her shove her emotions down. She pats her face, her clothes, and the bed, and then goes out to rejoin her family for the children’s Christmas program at school, and acts extra cheerful. Now, in certain situations, this may be the appropriate thing to do if it’s temporary, and we give ourselves space to go back to those feelings and address them — which Karen does! What we don’t want to do is force ourselves into false cheer for an entire season.
Forcing yourself to match someone else’s energy or enthusiasm. Grieving is exhausting, and protecting your energy is essential. If your friend invites you to get up early on Black Friday to shop or to bake 10 dozen cookies for a cookie exchange, and you just don’t have it in you, it’s okay to say no.
Apologizing for being a “downer” or for not being very fun. When you do choose to participate in something or attend a gathering, you don’t need to apologize. Just be who you are in the moment. You don’t need to label yourself. The people who care about you are so glad you are there, whether or not you have the same spunk and energy as you did before your loss.
Comparing yourself from holidays past with this holiday. Of course, things look different this year. Of course you feel different this year. It’s okay. It’s okay to change things up to serve the needs and energy you have now. It’s not a failure. It also doesn’t mean it will look like this every year. You can take it year by year. Right now, worry about this year and what you need to get through it.
The holidays will end. The pressure to be sparkling will ease. Remember that you don’t have to feel festive to deserve kindness and space for your grief. It might help to find ways to honor your loved one during the holidays. If that’s something that might be helpful for you, I’ll link my blog post, Honoring Those We’ve Lost During the Holidays, HERE. You can honor yourself by showing yourself compassion for what you’ve been through and what you’ve lost. You have earned that in spades.
If you need support from a grief specialist to help you navigate this difficult season, set up a free consultation call with me HERE.
