The Physical Side of Grief: Understanding Your Body's Response to Loss
One thing that often surprises people about grief is that it can manifest in physical ways in your body. You get sick. You’re more prone to accidents. Your body aches in unfamiliar ways. This can be scary or confusing when we don’t understand that grief shows up in our bodies as well as our hearts and minds. It’s not just a metaphor. Grief is a biological activity. Understanding this can help us care for ourselves better as we grieve.
Put simply, your brain finds grief to be a terrible stress, and that makes sense. Your brain is having to re-learn what it is to be you, without your beloved person or pet beside you. Or relearn what it is to be you in vastly changed circumstances. This is stressful to the brain, much like being in physical danger would be. Your brain is flooded with stress hormones. But unlike being in physical danger and then reaching safety, grief doesn’t provide you with an off-switch. So you stay at that level of heightened stress for a long time, and that is what taxes your physical body.
Keeping your body in crisis mode is exhausting for both your brain and your body. Between that and the work your brain is doing to rewire pathways and learn your new reality, it’s no wonder grief is so exhausting. You may not be doing much physically, but behind the scenes, your brain is working overtime. There’s very little energy for anything else.
Common Physical Symptoms of Grief
Fatigue and exhaustion, even when you feel like you are getting enough sleep.
Changes in appetite. Some people have no appetite at all, while others feel hungry more often or crave carbohydrates and other comfort foods.
Physical pain. This can include headaches and other muscle aches.
Digestive issues.
A weakened immune system leaving us vulnerable to becoming sick.
Sleep disturbances. Like appetite, this can vary from having insomnia to sleeping more than is needed and having a hard time waking up.
Heart palpitations and shortness of breath.
These physical symptoms happen because of the constant presence of stress hormones, inflammation in the body caused by the stress hormones, the depletion of energy that grief exacts from us, and from disrupted routines like sleep, meals, and exercise. It can feel like a vicious cycle at times.
How do you help yourself through this?
There are a few things you can do to support yourself (or guide someone else) through the physical symptoms of grief.
Practice compassionate self-care. I’m not talking about pedicures or shopping trips, though those things can be part of self-care. I’m talking about small things like setting reminders to make sure you are eating meals on time, making sure you are showering daily, spending time in nature — even just 10 or 15 minutes, changing into clean clothes every day, or trying to set a regular bedtime. These may seem like fundamental things, but they can be so difficult when you are grieving. Taking care of yourself in these small, basic ways can help.
If you’ve been an avid exerciser in the past, you may find comfort in that still. If you find your body aches or your energy is low but you still want and need movement, try yoga, stretching, or lower-impact workouts. Don’t beat yourself up for not being up to your pre-loss capacity. Be gentle to yourself in body and spirit.
Good, basic nutrition can help. I’m not going to be the person to tell you to avoid sugar or comfort food. However, it is still important to fuel your body to replenish yourself. If you are only consuming sugar and junk, you might feel worse. On the other hand, this may not be the time to worry about hitting macros or putting your body through the stress of cutting carbs or eating in a calorie deficit. You can jump back into those kinds of things after you begin to feel more like yourself.
Rest. This can be so hard for some people. But grieving is exhausting work; even if you feel like you aren’t doing anything, a lot is going on inside you. Rest can look like sleep, but it can also look like the lower-impact workouts we talked about in point #2, saying no to extra obligations, staying off social media, or keeping your social circle to only people who fill your cup.
When to See a Doctor
Some of the physical symptoms of grief can be surprising and uncomfortable, but sometimes they can feel scary or disruptive to your life. Most of the physical symptoms of grief are normal biological responses to the extreme and abnormal stress that grieving puts us through, but some do warrant medical attention. Trust yourself. If something feels wrong or concerning, get it checked. You’re not overreacting. If it turns out not to be anything more serious, don’t feel embarrassed. You are taking care of yourself.
Please seek medical care if you experience any of the following:
Chest pain, especially if it's severe, persistent, or accompanied by shortness of breath, dizziness, or pain radiating to your arm or jaw. Please don’t mess around with this.
Symptoms that interfere with basic daily functioning, such as being can’t get out of bed, can’t eat or drink, or can’t perform basic tasks.
Significant, unintentional weight loss or gain.
Symptoms that worsen over time instead of gradually getting better.
Persistent insomnia that leaves you unable to function.
Any thoughts of harming yourself. It’s perhaps not a physical symptom, but this requires medical attention.
Pre-existing health conditions that seem to be worsening.
Any symptom you have where you think “this doesn’t feel right”.
Your doctor will be able to distinguish between grief symptoms and symptoms that need other treatment. Just because you are grieving, it does not mean you should ignore the warning signs your body is giving you. Sometimes something that feels like grief may be a medical issue that needs attention. Getting checked out doesn’t mean you are being dramatic or not handling your grief well. It means you are taking care of yourself. And you deserve to do that.
Why Harsh New Year Health Resolutions Don't Work When You're Grieving
As I’m writing this, it’s the first week of January — a time ripe with resolutions and goal-setting. People around us are starting diets, routines, and new exercise regimens. And I’d just like to caution you to be gentle with your grieving self as you begin the new year.
Your body is already under enormous stress. The “new year, new you” pressure ignores where you are right now. Aggressive fitness goals, restrictive diets, and other dramatic changes will place more stress and strain on your mind, body, and spirit. This is not to say that you can’t set goals, or even better intentions, for the new year. But as a grief specialist with a certification in wellness coaching, I would suggest that your intentions at the new year be gentle ones that support your grieving body and brain. You don’t need more demands right now.
If you do want to set goals, resolutions, or (my favorite) intentions, let them be supportive ones like incorporating gentle movement, improving nutrition in small ways, reducing screen time, or something to help with rest, like improving sleep hygiene. You can also just opt out of resolution culture altogether. If you need permission, I’m happy to give it to you.
If you want more information about our physical response to grief, I highly recommend the book The Grieving Body by Mary-Francis O’Connor, PhD. It really helps normalize and make sense of the grieving process within the body.
If you would like support for your grieving brain and body, set up a free consultation call with me HERE. I’d love to talk to you.
