When Grief Doesn't Follow a Timeline: What to Do When You're “Not Over It Yet”
So, it’s been a year since your loss. You run into an acquaintance and start catching up. You express what a hard time it’s been since your loss, and your acquaintance replies, “Wasn’t that like a year ago now? Aren’t you over that yet?”
Gut. Punch.
The sad thing is, this happens to grieving people all the time. And it doesn’t always just happen a year in. It can be weeks or months. One friend told me the awful story of someone asking her that at the funeral of her loved one. Can you imagine?
When we’re grieving, there can be tremendous pressure to get over it, move on, and get back to our “old self”. We feel it from others, and we can even feel it from ourselves, because we’ve been conditioned to believe that grief has a timeline, and if time is up on that, there must be something wrong with us.
Here’s the deal. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not broken. You’re not dramatic. You’re grieving. And that takes as much time as it takes. There is no timeline for grief.
The Timeline Myth
So, where do these timeline ideas come from? One factor is that in Western society, especially, we are generally uncomfortable with strong negative emotions, and grief, especially. We often see grief as a problem to be solved, and as soon as possible, thank you very much.
Another factor is a misunderstanding of the 5 stages of grief. You can read more about that in detail in my blog post HERE. But in short, the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) are things you might experience while grieving, but you may not experience all of them, and you certainly will not experience them in a precise order. But many people think this is how grief works and will try to pinpoint exactly where they (or you) are in the process. So if you’re depressed, they see the end in sight! That is just not how it works.
A third factor could be subconscious, relating to historical mourning traditions. For example, people in the Victorian Era observed elaborate and strict mourning rituals. I won’t go into those too much because they could be a blog post on their own, but let’s just look at dress standards for women.
After a death, women would observe full mourning for at least one year and a day. Queen Victoria observed full mourning for 3 years after the death of her husband, Prince Albert. During this time, women would wear all black in a dull fabric without any sheen or luster. They wore heavy veils and very little jewelry, if any.
After a year and a day, women were permitted to enter “second mourning,” during which they would still wear black, but the fabric could be silk. They could add jet beading to their clothes and wear understated (often jet) jewelry.
After the second mourning, women would go into “half-mourning,” which was a transition period where they could add white in with the black, and begin to add in muted colors like grey, purple, and lavender. And they would use these clothes to gradually return to wearing normal colors.
Okay, enough of that tangent! But, I think it’s interesting, and one of those cultural things we’ve held onto that lends weight to the grief timeline expectations we have.
The truth is, grief is very individual, based on your loss and your relationship to who you’ve lost. It doesn’t follow a specific timeline. I’ve always thought it would be easier if it did, and you could check things off as you go, but it just doesn't work that way.
When Others Expect You to be Done
At some point, you may start to hear comments from people like, “Shouldn’t you be feeling better by now?” or “They wouldn’t want you to still be sad!”
It’s easy to internalize these questions and exclamations to mean something is wrong with us. We aren’t grieving right. But, the truth is, those kinds of statements are mostly because people are uncomfortable with grief, and they sincerely do care, and they don’t want you to continue to be in pain. But we end up feeling like they’re judging our grieving process.
It’s important to know that it’s okay to still be grieving, no matter how much time has passed. It’s also okay if you’re feeling like you’re healing and moving forward. It does not mean that your loss wasn’t impactful or that your person wasn’t (and still isn’t!) important to you. Wherever you find yourself is okay.
When You Feel Like You Should Be “Over It”
Sometimes we feel like we should “be over it by now”. These thoughts can come from those unhelpful comments above. Or they can arise because of our own internalized perceptions of a grieving timeline.
You also might be comparing your grief to other people’s. That can come up when you’ve lost the same person, and everyone else seems to be doing okay. Or it can stem from looking at someone else who suffered a similar loss to you, and they seemed to get back to “normal” much sooner. You can also compare your grief responses to losses of your own. “I felt like I snapped back much quicker after losing ____________ than I am this time.”
We can also just be so tired of grieving because it’s so all-consuming and exhausting, and yet when we attempt to move forward, we find that our hearts aren’t ready yet.
Whatever the reason you’re pressuring yourself to get on with it, self-compassion is key here. Your grief timeline is your own, unique to every person and every loss. And I’ll let you in on a secret: no one ever felt better by beating themselves up.
Practical Tips for Moving Forward (If You Want To)
Set boundaries with people who question your timeline with the following phrases that are kind, but straightforward, and avoid over-explaining :
• “I’m grieving at my own pace, and that’s what I need for now.”
• “I appreciate your concern, but I’m not looking for advice about my grief.”
• “Grief doesn’t follow a schedule, and I’ve made peace with that.”
• “I know you care about me, but I don’t need you to try to fix this.”
• “This is still hard for me, and that’s okay.”
• “I’d rather not talk about this right now. Can we talk about _______ instead?”
Build a support network of people who “get it”. You can even make a list of people you know you can go to who understand and won’t judge where you are in your process. And then you can be that person for them in return.
Create ongoing meaningful personal rituals to honor your loss. These could be ways to mark their birthday, your anniversary, or the anniversary of their death. This can also look like ways to incorporate their memory into your everyday life — framing photos to have around your house or office, listening to a playlist of their favorite songs or songs that remind you of them, drinking from their favorite mug while journaling. Or find a charity to be involved in that would be meaningful to them, start or continue a hobby that they loved.
When you are ready, consider professional support to help you. Grief needs a witness, and a grief professional can help you untangle your emotions and find a way forward while still honoring your grief and your memories. Set up a free consultation call with me HERE.
Above all, remember that there are no “shoulds” in grief. It’s your grief, you can do it your way and on your timeline. It’s not a contest; it’s about you making your way forward in a future you didn’t necessarily want. Have compassion for yourself along the way.
