How to Get Through Valentine’s Day When You’re Grieving
Valentine’s Day can be an absolutely dreaded holiday when your relationship has ended, whether your partner has died or you’ve gone through a divorce or breakup. It can also be a tough day if you’re single and longing to be in a relationship or if you are in a relationship that isn’t what you wished it would be. Regardless of the reason, if Valentine’s Day is difficult for you, those feelings are real, and you don’t have to feel embarrassed about that. Sometimes, even when we are well into our healing journey, a holiday like Valentine’s Day can come up, and those feelings can feel fresh and raw all over again. So, let this be your reminder that healing isn’t linear, and this one day being painful doesn’t have to define how your healing is going.
Valentine’s Day can be particularly difficult because it’s a holiday that highlights romantic relationships and puts them on display, and it’s everywhere. You can’t even go to the gas station without seeing a pitiful stand of red roses and the reminder that you should buy one for your special someone. It’s also a tangible maker of the passage of time, so it’s tempting to look back and see how things were different in the past than they are now.
It’s easy to try to tell ourselves this holiday is all about commercialism, and maybe it is. But, commercialism or not, it can be a reminder that we don’t have something (or someone) in our lives that we want or that we used to have. It can be a tangible reminder of loss, so even though Valentine’s Day might not be the most important day of the year, it makes sense that it might be a challenging one for you.
Part of what makes grieving complicated is that it’s never just one emotion. It’s a combination of complex, even sometimes conflicting emotions. So on Valentine’s Day, or any ordinary day, you might be feeling sadness about missing your person or missing the relationship you once had or that you wish you had. Maybe you loved Valentine’s Day, feeling loved by your partner, and having someone to shower love on in return, and you’re sad to be missing that. You might be feeling anger at someone for ignoring you, mistreating you, or leaving you behind. You might experience loneliness as you see people go on special dates, buy gifts for their person, or post on social media about their relationship.
You might experience some resentment toward people who have what you wish you had, or resentment toward an ex who threw everything away. You might feel guilty for resenting other people’s relationships because, intellectually, you know that their love and relationships are independent of your situation. You may feel relief that you don’t have to go out on the town this year, that you don’t have to come up with a gift for your finicky former partner, or that you don’t have to pretend to love the cheesy heart necklace they gave you every year. But then you might feel ashamed for feeling that way because it seems ungrateful. Maybe you’re feeling confused about what happened in your relationship to break it down, and you’re still reeling from the breakup. Wherever you are with your emotions this Valentine’s Day, this is a normal and natural reaction to the pain of loss.
Practical Ways to Navigate Valentine’s Day
Plan ahead. You know it’s coming, so plan something that you are excited to do for that day. This could be making plans with people you care about, or doing something just for you that brings you joy. If you want to avoid the Valentine reminders in public, do something at home that feels special and out of the ordinary.
Opt out of Valentine’s Day. There are lots of people who don’t celebrate this particular holiday. If you can and want to just ignore it completely, you’ll probably find little resistance to that idea.
Celebrate your person in your own way. If your partner has died, you can still celebrate the love you shared. Make a list of reasons you love them or reminders of how they love you. Buy flowers that remind you of them or enjoy a shared favorite treat.
Celebrate love in other forms. Romantic love is only one type of love, and you can spend Valentine’s Day showering love on family, friends, pets, or people in your community. Don’t let the commercial focus of the holiday limit you.
Practice self-compassion. You are worthy of love and connection. If Valentine’s Day finds you currently lacking that from a partner, or missing the physical presence of your partner, please don’t make it mean something about you or that you are undeserving of love. Make a point to care for yourself the way you would care for a friend who was going through something similar. Seek support from people in your life who care about you. If professional support feels right, set up a free consultation call with me HERE.
What Not To Do
There are a few things that I would suggest you not do when you’re meeting Valentine’s Day with grief.
First, don’t force yourself to celebrate. The stakes are not high enough for this holiday to force yourself into anything you don’t want to do.
Second, avoid the temptation to compare your grief. You may know someone else who has gone through a breakup or divorce, or even the death of their partner. They may be ready to date again, and you are horrified by that idea. Or they want to go out on Valentine’s Day just to be part of the atmosphere, and you want to hide in your room. There is no set timeline for grief. There is nothing wrong with you for not being ready yet. Similarly, if you feel you’ve done the work to heal and move forward and are ready to date again (not a rebound!), only you can decide when that is appropriate. Don’t let other people’s opinions on when you should (or shouldn’t!) be ready dictate your actions.
And third, don’t isolate completely if you know that connection will help you heal. We often want to hide away so people don’t see how hurt we are, or so we don’t bring anyone else down. It really is through connection that we heal, so let the people who love you in.
Valentine’s Day can be difficult. But remember, it is one day. And this day does not define your healing or your worth. This will get easier, but it’s also okay if easier hasn’t found you quite yet.
