How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving (Without Making It About You)
On a recent episode of Anderson Cooper’s podcast All There Is, Anderson was interviewing Dax Shepard about his father’s death. As Dax’s father lay dying in the hospital from cancer, many of his dad’s friends came to visit and say goodbye. Dax, who was keeping a bedside vigil and obviously grieving, found himself in the distressing position of having to comfort all of these friends and acquaintances about his dad’s impending death. You can watch this episode HERE.
It struck me because in my work with grieving people, I’ve heard many stories of similar situations, more often after someone has died, when someone shows up with the intent of supporting the grieving family, only to break down themselves, or maybe even worse, to try to compare or one-up them on how badly this loss is affecting them.
It can’t be denied, watching people you love grieve can stir up your own emotions, whether you’re grieving the same person or it brings up memories and feelings of losses from your past. Most advice on supporting grieving people will give you ideas of what to say or not say, what to do or not do, or tangible ways to support. And those are helpful and good. I’ve even written some! But we are lacking advice on what to do when your own emotions get in the way of showing true support. So, that’s what we are going to explore here today.
Signs you may be centering yourself in someone else’s grief without realizing it
I truly believe that most of us don’t want to make someone else’s grief all about us. We don’t go in with that intention, but still, it happens often. So here are a few signs to watch out for that you may be doing just that.
Sharing your own grief story when your loved one needs to talk about theirs. Sometimes we do this to relate, but often it goes far beyond that, and they end up having to comfort us over our own grief story. Or it just gets awkward because nobody knows how to react.
Expressing your distress about their loss in a way that makes them need to comfort you. This goes back to the Dax Shepard example we started with. And while you may certainly be feeling your own grief over their loss or this loss is personal to you, too, we never want to make someone closer to the loss comfort us. We should seek support of our own outside of this circle of loss.
Disappearing because you are so uncomfortable or overwhelmed with their grief that you are paralyzed and can’t reach out or be there to listen or support. This is so easy to do by accident because we want to find the perfect thing to do or say before we reach out, and there are no perfect words. The longer you put off doing anything, the harder it is to show up because we begin to feel ashamed of not doing something sooner, and it’s a bad spiral.
Pushing bright sides and actively trying to cheer them up. This is different than doing something kind for them. This looks like a lot of “at least” statements, and “let’s get you out and about to cheer you up!” This is more about your need for them to be cheerful than what they need.
Becoming hurt or offended when someone doesn’t respond to your support the way you’d hoped. If they don’t send you a thank you note or decline your invitation to dinner or an outing, it’s important to give people grace. It’s not about you or your gesture. They are likely overwhelmed.
Why is it so easy to make it about ourselves?
First, let’s recognize that while grief is a normal and natural part of life that everyone experiences, it can still be uncomfortable for us to witness. There are a few reasons for that. One, grief can cause us to have to face our own mortality and the mortality of those we love. Two, it can bring up remembrance and even renewed feelings of grief over our own past losses. And three, seeing people we love grieve can make us feel very helpless, and that can be distressing. So, if you’re uncomfortable with grief or feel awkward when trying to support someone you care about who is grieving, that’s not a character flaw. It’s pretty common. Acknowledging your discomfort is a good first step. Instead of just feeling awkward and uncomfortable and avoiding it, it helps to recognize and name it. A helpful thought might be, “Her grief is bringing up a lot for me, and I’m feeling really uncomfortable. That’s a normal human response, but I’m not going to let it stop me from showing up for her.”
Other factors may include fear of making it worse or not knowing what to say, a feeling of helplessness that something awful has happened and we can’t take that away for them, unresolved grief of your own that resurfaces, or a need to be recognized as a good friend/family member and you’re afraid you won’t or don’t know how to measure up to your own standards. Again, looking inward to see what is going on under the surface can help you recognize why you are having trouble.
How to manage your emotions so that you can show up in a way you’ll feel good about
Process your feelings about your loved one’s loss before or after interacting with them, not during. This ensures that you will have a time and place to address your very real emotions without burdening the grieving person with them. You may have more emotions come up after interacting with someone, and it’s helpful to expect that in advance.
Find your own emotional support person to debrief with. This should never be someone closer to the loss than you are. This could be a friend, a family member, or a professional, such as a therapist or a grief specialist. It can also be helpful to journal, but often having the support of an actual person feels best.
Pay attention to your interactions with your grieving loved one. Notice when you start making it about you; pause, then redirect the conversation back to them.
Remind yourself that it’s okay that you can’t fix this. Most of the time, nobody can fix it, and nobody expects you to. This can feel uncomfortable, particularly if we have had a caretaker/fixer role in this person’s life. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable.
When in doubt, ask yourself, “Is this for them, or is it for me?” Answering this can feel vulnerable, but your honesty with yourself will help you in supporting your grieving loved one best.
It is hard to witness someone’s pain, especially when you really care about that person. Try to keep in mind that you’re not there to fix things; you’re there to help that person feel less alone, to feel supported, to feel seen, and to feel loved. You can do this by showing up consistently and throughout, by listening more than you talk, and keeping your grieving loved one’s needs at the center of all that you do. We can all do better in supporting the people we care about who are grieving, and my hope is that this gives you a good foundation to start.
