Understanding the Connection between Anxiety and Grief
When we are grieving a loss, we expect to feel sadness, but we can sometimes be blindsided by how much anxiety and fear we feel. In his book A Grief Observed, writer C.S. Lewis said, “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.
At other times, it feels like being mildly drunk or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.”
Though he doesn’t specifically state it, it sounds to me like Mr. Lewis experienced some anxiety while grieving. And he certainly was not alone. Anxiety more common than you might think, and it actually makes a lot of sense that our brains respond in this way. Let’s take a look at why.
Why Loss Triggers Anxiety
For one, loss of safety or predictability (even just perceived safety and predictability) often accompanies a primary loss. We refer to these as secondary losses. When something or someone we counted on is gone, it makes sense that we feel less secure. The world can feel like it’s tipped on its axis, and it can feel like what you used to rely on is on unsteady ground.
Second, our brain spends a lot of effort trying to keep us safe, and that’s on a normal day. The brain perceives grief as a threat both emotionally and biologically, and triggers the fight or flight response. It releases increased stress hormones into the body, the same way it would if you were fleeing a lion. This can cause a rapid heartbeat, raised blood pressure, and quickened breathing, which can lead to a panicked feeling.
There’s also a structure in the brain called the amygdala, which controls our emotional reactions, especially fear. The stress of loss can cause the amygdala to become overactive, and the result of that overactivity is increased anxiety, hypervigilance, mood swings, and sleep issues. We are constantly on high alert for new threats to our safety, whether physical or emotional. For a more in-depth look at the brain during grief, I recommend Dr. Lisa M. Shulman’s book Before and After Loss: A Neurologist’s Perspective on Loss, Grief, and Our Brain.
Secondary losses that stem from our original loss, such as new financial challenges, having to make unexpected new decisions, parenting grieving children, etc., can all bring us new anxiety.
And lastly, loss can open our minds to the possibilities of loss we face that were always there, but we never previously considered. If you lose a loved one in a car accident, you might now be seeing all the ways driving can be dangerous, where if you’ve never been in an accident or never had a loved one involved in a serious accident, you might not have internalized the danger before. This can even take the form of anticipatory grief, where we have experienced a loss and then see aging parents or aging pets, as an example, and have a lot of anxiety about the grief we know will come in the future.
What Grief Anxiety Can Look Like
Though everyone may experience anxiety differently in their own bodies, just like we can all experience grief differently, here are some common ways anxiety manifests itself during grief.
Trouble falling asleep or staying asleep. This can also look like waking up panicked in the night or with racing thoughts about something you can’t solve during sleep.
Constant or consuming worry about loved ones’ health or safety.
Difficulty making decisions, even small ones. Possibilities, even over seemingly inconsequential things, overwhelm you to the point of paralysis.
Physical symptoms like heart pounding, feeling shaky, shallow breathing, or digestive upset.
A constant sense of dread, impending doom, or you’re waiting for the next shoe to drop.
A Few Ideas to Help
Note: I am not a doctor nor a therapist. These are not prescriptive, just some general ideas to try. We will talk about when it’s time to see a doctor or get professional help in the next section.
Ground yourself in the present. Anxiety is future-focused. So making an effort to be present in the right now can help. Small sensory experiences can be anchors to help you stop the future spiral. This could look like slowly sipping a warm cup of tea, taking a walk outside, noticing 5 things in your current environment, or using all your senses to find something you can feel, hear, taste, smell, and see.
Name your feelings. Sometimes it can be difficult to sort out what exactly we are feeling in the complex emotions that spin within us when we’re grieving. Being able to say, “I am feeling sad that he is missing this holiday,” or “I am feeling anxious about returning to work,” can help. Giving something a name takes away a bit of its mystery and power.
Gently care for your body. Caring for your body allows it to do the work to support your grieving brain. Rest, nutrition, and movement are the basic things that (sometimes frustratingly) really do help. If you are not allowing yourself to rest and then trying to make up for that with energy drinks or other caffeine sources, that can exacerbate anxiety.
Reduce your decision load where you can. We are all inundated with decisions every day. You’ve heard of CEOs like Steve Jobs who wear the same “uniform” every day to reduce decision fatigue. I’m not saying you need to wear a black turtleneck and jeans every day, but are there ways you could simplify daily decisions? And consider putting off big decisions if you can. Sometimes you don’t have the luxury of putting off major decisions, but if you can, it can bring you a little peace until you are feeling up to it.
Lean on your safe people. Not everyone deserves to be let into your story, but for those who do, let them in. Isolation makes grief and anxiety worse.
When to Seek Professional Support
If anxiety is interfering with your sleep, your relationships, your work, or your ability to carry out your normal daily tasks (like you’re not able to leave the house), it would be a good idea to talk with your doctor and/or a therapist. There is no shame in seeking help. Anxiety is treatable. This doesn’t have to be how you experience life. If you are hesitant about going on medication, there are many cognitive-based therapies that can help. Please explore some of these options with a doctor or therapist rather than suffer in silence. It can be life-changing.
Of course, I always endorse getting grief support from a grief specialist. Being able to focus on your grief with a professional can be really helpful. I offer a 7-week grief recovery program and ongoing support if it’s helpful. You can set up a free consultation call with me HERE. This can help you work through a lot of the complex emotions of grieving, and often times that will help alleviate grief-related anxiety. But it should be clearly stated that my personal professional scope is exclusively grief, and if you need support for anxiety, a doctor or therapist (or both!) is the right choice.
Anxiety after loss can make us feel like we are falling apart, particularly if we’ve never experienced anxiety before. But you’re not falling apart. Your brain is responding to something real and trying its hardest to protect you from danger ahead. And sometimes it just needs a little nudge (or some professional help) to quiet down.
