The Grief We Feel from Other People’s Choices
I think most of us have felt the smack that comes when someone else’s choices cause you great pain. Whether that’s from something deeply personal like a friend moving away, a partner choosing to leave a relationship, a family member deciding to go no contact, or something on a larger scale in local or world politics where man’s inhumanity to man tears at our souls as we witness war, genocide, and cruelty.
These kinds of losses cause us pain on many levels. Not only do we deal with the loss of a relationship, loss of trust, or loss of safety, but we are also grieving the gap between what could be and what is. We might be powerless to change what is happening, but we know that someone could make a different choice, leading to different outcomes, and then we wouldn’t have to feel this way.
So really, we are grieving unlived possibilities and the what-ifs. Sometimes the road not taken is clear to see, and looking from where we are to where we could have been if someone had made a different choice can be really painful. We can imagine what our world would look like if your boss hadn’t decided to sell his company and retire, if your wife hadn’t left you for someone else, or if the election had gone a different way. And those options may seem a lot better. But you aren’t the one making the choice. You were overlooked, discounted, or overruled. The gap we sit in there is full of grief. It’s brimming with sadness, anger, outrage, disappointment, helplessness, and hopelessness. And those are all painful emotions to bear.
Why This Grief Matters
When something like this happens on a personal level, it’s easy to see why it matters to us. We valued our relationship, our job, our role, and our safety, among other things. These things matter to us, and so it makes sense that losing them causes us grief. However, when events unfold on a grander scale in the world, we sometimes hesitate to label them as grief. We may feel that our feelings aren’t justified since it’s not something that directly affects us or our lives. When Russia invaded Ukraine, my life did not change. And yet, I felt a deep sense of grief over it.
This kind of grief serves as a signal to us of what we value, not just on a personal level but on a global or human level. It’s a reminder of our interconnectedness with other people in far-off places, as well as our values and morals. It’s not a sign of weakness, but a signal of a strong moral compass and an empathetic and compassionate heart.
The Trap We Fall Into
This kind of grief can become all-consuming and paralyzing. We can find ourselves ruminating on what we could have said or done differently to change someone’s mind or the outcome. We can become consumed with obsessively checking media or scrolling to see updates on situations we can’t control. It feels like we are doing something when, in fact, we are not.
Years ago, I had a daughter living in Chile during a time of political upheaval. The city she was living in was particularly volatile, with crowds starting fires and looting, and militarized police teargassing protesters and other civilians. I “coped” with this by obsessively scrolling Chilean Twitter. I don’t speak Spanish, so I would use Google Translate to try to get information from the tweets. I wasn’t sleeping or functioning because I was utterly consumed with trying to find out more information. And my worries weren’t unwarranted, my daughter was not involved in protests in any capacity, and still managed to get teargassed 3 times. However, the obsessive scrolling and translating did not help her; it didn’t help the situation in Chile, and it definitely didn’t help me. In fact, it made it so much worse! But that temptation to understand why and try to make sense of it was too strong for me to resist.
Because this type of powerless grief can be so consuming, it can make us feel responsible for outcomes beyond our influence. It can also interfere with our ability to function and make choices that we have power over that do affect our daily lives. We can also find ourselves caught up in magical thinking, where if we think about it or worry about it enough, we somehow believe we can influence the outcome to change. We can also mistake our strong emotional intensity for moral action. No matter how all-consuming, feeling terrible about starving children in Gaza doesn’t actually help them unless we turn that feeling into action.
A Way Forward
First, accept that grief is the normal and natural response to loss. This makes sense when the loss is personal to you. However, it also applies when the loss is more substantial, such as a large-scale, societal, or global loss. You can choose to see your grief as an indicator of what you care about. Instead of wondering what is wrong with you, recognize that your grief means that you have a compassionate, caring heart.
Second, try to detach yourself from personal responsibility for the choices other people or organizations make. Practically, this can look like grieving a loved one’s self-destructive actions, while still loving and showing up for them without trying to control their decisions. You can donate to causes, protest things you disagree with, write letters to people in power, or speak out about injustice while accepting that you can’t single-handedly stop a genocide, quell civil unrest, or change election outcomes.
Third, set boundaries. Setting boundaries with people in your life is important. You can also set limits for yourself regarding how much news and/or social media you consume. I remember an old New Yorker cartoon that had two people walking down the street, and one said to the other, “My desire to stay informed is at odds with my desire to stay sane.” I think that’s been a familiar feeling for the past five years or so. Being informed is a good thing, but not at the cost of your peace — particularly if being informed is only ramping up your emotions and not leading you to action.
And finally, channel your energy toward what you can influence. This can look many different ways, depending on the issue you’re grieving. Find a way to give your time or money to a cause that is trying to make a difference. Advocate for causes you believe in. If a family member is struggling with sobriety and it’s out of your hands, volunteer for a community organization that helps in that field. Research trusted organizations to donate funds to. Create awareness on your own platforms. Doing something, with the recognition that we can’t singlehandedly solve the world’s problems, makes us feel less paralyzed with helplessness.
The choices of other people, whether on a deeply personal level in our lives or on a grander human scale, can bring about circumstances that we don’t like or want and that we feel powerless to change. It can be so easy to let these choices consume us. However, recognizing the emotions we are feeling as grief, allowing ourselves to feel those, and acknowledging that although we may not be able to change the circumstances, we aren’t entirely powerless to do anything, are all key in helping us deal with it all.
If you need more help or support dealing with the painful choices of someone else, please schedule a free consultation call with me here.
